Herald rating: * *
Address: 99 Customs St West, Viaduct Basin
Ph: (09) 307 1088
Wine list: Adequate. The sake is dear. But so is everything else
Vegetarians: Nibble edamame beans
Watch out for: Unsolicited advice
Bottom line: Hideously expensive. Otherwise average.
KEY POINTS:
How does a waiter in a Japanese restaurant spot a novice diner in need of assistance? I suppose bellowing to your tablemates "What's sushi?", pronouncing it to rhyme with "mushy", or maybe "You mean the fish is raw?" would be a bit of a giveaway.
But no one at our table was doing any such thing when a man I think was the maitre d' hove to alongside and began giving us the benefit of his wisdom.
It was not so much the quality of this advice that was the problem, it was the quantity. It came in an endless sonorous procession, like the swell on a choppy sea (is this why the place's name is Japanese for "ocean"?) Just when you thought you might settle down ("Right, then. Thanks very much") to some menu-perusal and decision-making, he started up again. ("Of course, if you guys are hungry ... ").
It may be that he had taken pity on us because we couldn't read the menu. The covered terrace at Umi is comfortably warmed by handsome ceramic heaters, but by night it is something of a challenge to see your hand in front of your face. The waiting staff plainly know this because as soon as we began squinting blindly at the bill of fare they produced small torches. And the commentator. I was bracing myself for an instructional video, such as they play before take-off when you're flying ("If a waitress like this appears in front of you, pull her sharply down and towards you and breathe normally").
Personally, I'd have traded it all for a bit of nice lighting. Call me old-fashioned but when I go out to dinner I don't want to feel like the waiter is monopolising the conversation. And I like to be able to read the menu without feeling like I'm a Scout trying for a survival badge.
Umi describes itself as serving "traditional" and "new-style" Japanese food. I do not profess any great knowledge of either but I can say that there was nothing on the menu unfamiliar to me. At Gion in Parnell, where they serve easily the best Japanese food I've had, just about every dish was a smart surprise. You had to go looking for the sushi.
At Umi they call the sushi and sashimi specials "gozen", which, they explain, means something like "fit for nobles", and the only thing surprising about it is the price. Sure, the display is handsome enough but beautiful plating is a Japanese standard really, and this costs an arm and a leg.
The Blonde asked for beef teriyaki, which consisted of slices artfully reassembled to look like an uncut steak but swamped with a hideously unsubtle, salty sauce and an enormous pile of noodles, similarly saturated. I ordered rib-eye and was served scotch fillet, nicely tender and rare. It came with a few discs of tempura pumpkin, kumara croquettes that reminded me of a THC hotel, and a handful of mesclun - and cost more than a main course at Merediths or the Grove.
A gingernut icecream and a sago-based dessert finished matters off and, like the rest of the meal, they were acceptable but not remarkable. Except for the price. In a city spoiled for Japanese-dining choices, this place charges like it's the only option in town
