To better support working parents, talk to them

Working mums and dads are demoralised and exhausted from intensely balancing work and caregiving duties. Photo / 123RF

The pandemic may be ebbing, but one of its most pernicious effects isn't: Two years later, we still don't have sufficient and effective communication between hardworking mothers and fathers, front-line managers and senior leaders of our organisations.

Here's the picture right now for working parents:

• Working mums and dads are demoralised and exhausted from intensely balancing work and caregiving duties. And for many — like those with kids under 5, who are still ineligible for vaccines — the challenges continue. Making matters worse, many parents hesitate to talk openly with their managers about their personal situation for fear of misunderstanding, judgment or reprisal.

• Most managers are genuinely sympathetic to co-workers with kids, but they have their own jobs and families to attend to. So, instead of engaging team members in open conversation, they pull back from it and focus on the work tasks at hand.

• Senior leaders are doing their best to communicate details about 2022 goals, the return to work and how to rebuild team culture — but those messages simply aren't landing. It appears that employees either aren't listening or don't seem to care, and senior leaders are increasingly confused and frustrated.

The overall result is like a video call gone terribly wrong: We're all shouting and want to be heard, and we've all lost control of the mute button.

Whether you're a leader, manager or parent, here are strategies you can use to open the lines of communication.

1. Senior leaders

Your first order of business is to learn what working parents in your organisation are dealing with right now. Without this context, you risk being perceived as the leader who doesn't get it, or worse, the leader who doesn't care. And that, in turn, will make it hard to convince overwhelmed working parents to listen to and follow you.

Fortunately, getting the insight you need won't be tough. You can gather timely, detailed information through polls, focus groups, your HR team or simply by walking around. Whatever the means, preserve your leadership credibility by figuring out what's really going on.

Next, communicate with empathy. Instead of kicking off your next town hall by detailing your five-year growth objectives, start with a statement like: "Despite the incredible challenges and stresses we and our families are all facing now, I want you to know I'm confident in our organisation's future. And without diminishing all that we're dealing with today, I want to share what that future looks like." In other words, meet your listeners where they are, before pivoting to your leadership agenda and the bottom line.

2. Front-line managers

You want your team members to stay motivated, and you want to be supportive without overpromising. Three simple techniques will help.

Ask open-ended questions

When you gently ask, "Is there any important context you want me to have about your life outside work?," you're not prying. You're simply demonstrating that the communication door is open, which working parents will appreciate.

Praise how your team members operate, rather than what they produce

Most likely, the pandemic has diminished many working parents' sense of self, leaving them overwhelmed and uncertain, or even feeling like a failure. When they're in that head space, a comment like "Hey, good job, and thanks for the budget numbers" won't stick.

Instead, offer a comment like "Thanks for working so hard on the budget numbers, as always, and I really value your expert eye here."

Highlight progress and momentum

Imagine a fast-running treadmill with no "off" switch: To most working parents, that's how the pandemic feels. As hard as we run, we can't make progress — and that inertia is demotivating.

To remotivate your team, show them how far they've come. For example, in your next one-on-one, tell your direct report, "I'm impressed with the impact you've made in so short a time." The more you can give working parents a sense of momentum, the more they'll want to keep going.

3. Working parents

You're so exhausted and frustrated, you could scream — but screaming probably won't get you the flexibility you want right now. Here's what will.

Share more solutions and less emotion

Telling your boss "I'm exhausted" may be transparent and honest, but it isn't a statement they can directly act on. Instead of venting, ask for the vacation time you want, mentioning how, for example, it will put you in a better position to tackle new work from your client. Make it an easy, low-drama process for your boss to give you what you need.

Lead with your intentions

Worried about being misread or misunderstood? Then tackle those concerns head-on. A statement like, "I'm not here to complain about my workload — but I am here to discuss the possibility of shifting my hours over the next few weeks" both clarifies your goals and focuses your manager on the right next steps.

Avoid framing a situation as an immediate crisis

The pandemic has presented one challenge after another, and most managers and leaders are just as nervous and tired as you are. So, for instance, when talking about the hybrid work setup you're hoping for, try to stay out of emergency mode. A calm "I'm not pushing for an answer today. Think about it, and we'll regroup" will likely work better than demanding an immediate response.

As the pandemic enters its third year, we're all dealing with tremendous pressure and circumstances. Just as we've adapted in many other ways during this time, we can also change how we talk to one another. To keep ourselves, our careers and our organisations moving forward, we need to remain connected.

Written by: Daisy Dowling
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