Time to kiss lucky bride-to-be

By REBECCA BARRY

Will he propose? Who will take home the hardware? Will they grow old listening to muzak together? They're questions that take two seconds to answer if you're smart enough to look on the internet.

But tonight, on the two-hour final of The Bachelor (9.30pm, TV2), 28-year-old banker-pilot-pianist Aaron Buerge makes it clear he hasn't got the faintest clue who will be cashing in on his retirement plan.

Over the past few weeks, he's whittled down his harem to sweet-yet-inexperienced Brooke and independent-yet-nasal Helene. Now he must French kiss one of them goodbye and make the other his missus.

But Aaron needs some help. So he takes each of them home to meet his family.

Filling the 120 minutes isn't hard. Each version of Meet the Parents is a typically action-packed date, with interrogation, multiple modes of transport and a confession from one of the prospective brides.

Aaron also proves to Brooke and Helene that he's filthy rich by taking them on a tour of his bachelor pad, complete with ceiling art and restaurant.

Then, in an embarrassing Frodo moment, we get to watch as each woman is sized for an engagement ring.

But don't feel sorry for the loser.

From the outset, the contestants knew one lucky woman would walk away with the man of her dreams. So, by their powers of deduction, they must realise 24 of them will walk away rejected.

A montage scene reminisces over the women who didn't make the cut: Heather-from-Texas, the flight attendant who wanted to have a minivan of Aaron's babies; Christi, the bitchy blonde who cried whenever one of the other women batted her eyelashes; American sweetheart, Gwen, the most genuine - and therefore the least eligible - contender for the rock.

For even though Aaron looked like he was going to do a technicolour yawn during those tacky rose ceremony speeches, the guy was as happy as Larry.

He got to go on dates with five women at a time. He played tonsil hockey in limos and "hot-tubs". He pretended to be disapproving of the women fighting over him. Yep, his bride had better get call minder.

Of course, there wouldn't be a man on the planet who didn't envy him. While female viewers gasped, giggled and fantasised acceptance speeches (or was it only me?), the men got to watch a reality version of Baywatch with their girlfriends.

In the States, The Bachelor was so popular that some viewers placed bets on the outcome. Maybe it would have been more worthwhile gambling on the success of the relationship.

After making his final decision, the first Bachelor, Alex Michel, told top-heavy Kansas 23-year-old Amanda Marsh he'd like to get to know her better before proposing.

But Miss Marsh still hasn't been invited to Oz. "We'll always be friends," she sighed, recently.

Meanwhile, somewhere exotic, Alex, Aaron and some Playmates are probably enjoying a communal sauna.