This friend's 'toxic' behaviour is causing concern. Photo / 123RF
This friend's 'toxic' behaviour is causing concern. Photo / 123RF
Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au's weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.
Question:
I called out my best friend of two and a half years for her repeated "I want a break from our friendship" behaviour, which has gotten longer each successive time. I'm notallowed to contact her; only she decides when to re-engage the friendship.
In hindsight I could/should have phrased it carefully instead of commenting it was akin to abuse (I used the term domestic violence to her, which really set her off as she was twice a victim of DV).
She got really upset, so I promptly apologised and retracted my words. Then she told me she been ignoring most of my recent messages and she needed space away from me, effectively taking a break from our friendship and told me not to contact her.
After two weeks of silence, I emailed her and she promptly blocked me on social media (even though we haven't chatted through social media in those two weeks) and angrily told me not to email her or she would block me via email too as I was ignoring her request for space.
She refuses to renew the friendship "at this stage" because of this "ignoring of her wishes". I'm too scared to lose the friendship so I haven't contacted her since. That's nearly four weeks ago. So this latest "time-out" is nearly two months.
The first time was a month, the second time was six weeks. Each time she wants time apart she makes me feel that I'm the one messing up this friendship.
This is the same friend who four weeks prior to this latest "time-out" said I'm her rock and two weeks prior to this said I'm her greatest friend. I have always been there for her no matter what.
I thought best friends should be able to call out each other for undesirable behaviour but it seems OK for her to call me out for mine only, not vice-versa.
To make matters worse, while the time apart is happening I figured out her MBTI personality is INTJ (introversion + intuition + thinking + judging), the same as mine, which probably means frequent "time-outs" and "running away", except I've never asked for space or run from her.
How do I repair the friendship? Can it be repaired? She means the world to me but I know the reverse isn't. I did promise to be her friend for life and to be always there for her. To me truth and loyalty are extremely important.
How long should I give her the space she requested? Indefinitely? Is she asking for space or simply stonewalling? Is there a difference? If I'm in the wrong, how can I get the message across to her?
I am utterly confused and feeling altogether lost and hurt. Where do I go from here?
Answer:
This sounds like an incredibly toxic and unhealthy friendship.
Is your friend giving you any reason for this "break" — or can you think of any real reason why she is asking for space from you? Did she offer a reason any of the other times she asked for space?
If you have done something "wrong", I'm wondering why she hasn't told you this. I'm also wondering why she continues the cycle of "blocking you" and then reigniting the friendship.
If there isn't something major that you've done to warrant this, I'm wondering why you still want her in your life.
Either way, it's not a healthy dynamic for either of you.
The 'friend' has been using social media blocking to isolate herself. Photo / 123RF
From what you've said, this sounds like an unhealthy and one-sided friendship. As you said "she means the world to me", but the reverse doesn't seem to be true.
It also sounds like a very up and down relationship. The less compassionate side of me would call her behaviour "controlling" as she seems to say wonderful things to you sometimes, but then leave you in the dark at other times wondering what you can do for her to fix the relationship.
I don't think you're far from the truth when you named it as an abusive pattern.
If she has two experiences with domestic violence, it's likely she has her own challenges with relationships and is used to having unhealthy dynamics in her life. I'm actually wondering if she has mental health issues based on the seeming up and down way that she's treating you.
The difference between space and stonewalling is that space is communicated clearly and there's a clearly indicated intention to come back. Stonewalling is when we simply withdraw physically or emotionally from a relationship, rebutting attempts from someone else to engage us.
It's understandable that you're feeling hurt and lost, but I don't think trying to fix the friendship with her is the best way to make yourself feel better.
Yes, sometimes we might promise something to someone and really want to be loyal, but if the circumstances change, it's okay for us to change.
Work on your own self-esteem.
Understand what keeps you "hooked" in a relationship that is so one-sided. What is your own relationship history like? What kinds of friendships and relationships have you found yourself in? This might be something that you want to explore in therapy.
