The Return of the King too precious for words

By RUSSELL BAILLIE, Entertainment Editor

The Return of the King is ... sorry about this, but we're not allowed to tell you what we think of The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King until next Tuesday.

It may be the world premiere tonight. And we may have seen the film at a media screening at the Embassy Theatre on Saturday afternoon. But it was a stipulation by the film's distributors that to see the film, you weren't allowed to review it just yet - mainly because it wouldn't do for New Zealand critics to have their say before the really important ones in the Northern Hemisphere got a chance to see it during the coming week.

So we can't actually say whether it was the single most amazing cinema experience of our recent memory or not.

Neither can we say in which bits we may or may not have got more than a little weepy, or whether we were emotionally affected at all. And we certainly couldn't even hint at which film is clearly the best in Peter Jackson's trilogy now that we've seen all three.

We probably need a second look at The Return of the King to decide for sure. Or maybe a third or a fourth ...

To do any of the above would be expressing an opinion, something that is apparently okay to do into a television camera right after the screening if you are a Media Personality. But if you are a film reviewer you can't do your job in print or online until next week. So, patience, please.

But given the hype, there is probably only one question on the mind of folks anticipating The Return of the King's opening day on December 18. And it isn't: Do the hobbits still really, really like New Zealand? Or do they still think Peter Jackson is a genius?

No. It is: So what's the film like, then?

Sorry can't tell you, just yet.

But instead of a review how about a preview? Sort of a text equivalent of a film trailer? Trailers, of course, can edit together a movie's more memorable moments in an effort to entice an audience.

And The Return of the King is based on a book. So recapping the story isn't giving away anything new.

But stop reading now if you don't want any confirmation about some bits of the tome which made the final cut, or to be told about five sequences which could well be defining moments in the epic finale.

1. The birth of Gollum: The preamble opening is a flashback to a scene that was actually in the early pages of The Fellowship of the Ring and told by Gandalf. It shows hobbit-like Deagol and Smeagol fishing from a boat when a fish pulls Deagol into the drink. He emerges from the river with a certain ring in his hand. Smeagol - played by Andy Serkis on whose voice and physical performance the computer-generated Gollum is based - demands it from him. They fight. Smeagol kills Deagol, takes his "Precious" and so begins his decline into the mad-eyed mountain hermit Gollum. It also shows just how much of the megabyte creature is a Serkis act.

2. The Army of the Dead: The man who will be king, Aragorn, summons the accursed army of ghosts to help in the forthcoming battle. If they help, they are freed from their purgatory - and it's not just their motives that are transparent. Some might see hints of Jackson's past with zombies (Brain Dead) and ghosts (The Frighteners) in this sequence.

3. The Battle of Pellenor Fields: Well it, er, dwarfs the siege of Helm's Deep from the last flick with an exponential increase in the number of orcs intent on laying to waste the stone mountainside city of Minas Tirith. It also features troll-powered catapults, swooping fell beasts piloted by Nazgul (including the Witch-king Angmar played underneath the black armour by Lawrence Makoare), thunderous cavalry charges and an attack by elephant-like Mumakils which are hard to bring down, unless you are a particularly gymnastic elf who's handy with a bow and arrow. Note: no Mumakils were harmed in the making of this movie.

4. Shelob's Lair: Led into the underground lair by the scheming Gollum, Frodo's terrifying encounter with the giant spider was originally part of The Two Towers' latter chapters. Here, it's one of ROTK's many second-half climaxes. Is the eight-legged monster any good? Consider this: Weta Workshop and Weta Digital are named after another creepy insect.

5. Mt Doom: "Come on Mr Frodo," says Sam to his ring-bearer master who has collapsed again on the slopes of the black volcano. "I can't carry it for you, but I can carry you and it as well." He hoists his mate on his back and stumbles upwards. Because that's what friends are for.

Herald Feature: Lord of the Rings