"I find myself constantly wondering what she’s up to and I know I can be hostile and moody." Photo / Getty Images
Dear A&E,
My last girlfriend was – it turns out – a serial cheater. I discovered a couple of her affairs by looking at her phone and emails but, after we broke up, people told me about two more, which was humiliating and devastating. I have recently started seeing a lovely woman but I find myself constantly wondering what she’s up to and I know I can be hostile and moody. She knows what went on and is patient but I don’t even know if I want to trust her because it was all so hurtful.
– Suspicious
Dear Suspicious,
We are very sorry to hear that you have felt so hurt and humiliated. It sounds as though you went through a great deal both during your last relationship and since it ended. These things can take time to recover from, not to mention effort. We could say how happy we are that you have met a lovely woman. But we are not going to say that. We are probably not going to say much that you want to hear.
Oh Suspicious, are you ready? Have you healed? Have you ranted and denied and taken time and cried and wondered and panicked and understood and talked and just … been still? Often, when a relationship ends badly, much of the loss is to do with the fact that we feel we allowed it to happen. That we allowed so much to be taken from us. That we lost touch with ourselves. And then we think: “Am I a broken thing now?” Remember the cliche of the Japanese vases that are mended using lacquer and gold to seal the fissures. Believe in the beauty of a thing – a person – that has put itself back together with wisdom and empathy and wholeheartedness. This will be you. You will be glorious. But this is not you quite yet.
All that getting-over-someone-by-getting-under-someone-else nonsense is a bit neat. You have understandably sought comfort and affirmation in a new relationship and there is probably an awful lot right with it. But if you can’t trust her, why bother? Faking it to make it can be a very useful technique – apart from in a relationship. You can’t pretend to trust. But, one day, you can decide to.
Your anxiety, panic and moodiness will certainly not prevent infidelity. But they will ruin – or at least harm – most relationships. Your feelings of hostility are information about your state of mind and not information about your new girlfriend. But it is worrying that she seems so willing to put up with the sulks and suspicion so early on in the relationship. Yes, it’s awful when we see ourselves letting ourselves down in real-time. When we know our conduct is poor and borderline out of control and yet we can’t help but roll with it. You are dealing with the fallout of betrayal. What is she dealing with?
If she is tolerating your moods and mistrust during the supposed honeymoon period then, conceivably, she has her own damage to deal with. Red flags for everyone. It is true that hurt people hurt people. But hurt people can also attract hurt people. She could be responding to your damaged vibes. Co-dependency is perhaps a little over-used, as it is part of the family of therapeutic terms that have galloped from the couch to the pub. But this atmosphere, at the beginning of this new relationship, feels potentially perilous. You could end up proving yourself right; feeding your suspicions that heartbreak is around every corner and cementing the emotional injury you have sustained.
We would advise you to step back. Step away, in fact. No trust. No relationship. Trust is not just about sex. When we partner with someone, we are trusting them with so much more than that: to be kind; to be financially responsible; to be a good parent or step-parent; to work hard; to keep our secrets, to deal with our families and on and on, way beyond trusting them with our hearts. It does not sound as though you even trust yourself at the moment, Suspicious, which must feel terribly painful. We rely on gut and instinct and radar but hurt can warp those tools. So we must re-build and regain our confidence before we can share ourselves again.
Read the books. Do the courses. Exercise. Talk to your friends. Get a therapist if you can afford one. And consider explaining to the lovely woman that you cannot currently be the partner she deserves. Yes, it sounds like a line but sometimes it isn’t a line.
To answer our own question: no, it does not sound as though you are ready, Suspicious. It sounds as though you are still in the emotional trenches. Only you can win this battle and it may be best that you do it alone for now. You will feel better. You will become the glorious sum of all your broken parts. And we send you so much love.