How to handle the horror that is Halloween. Photo / Getty Images
All Hallows. All Saints' Eve. Fright Night. What Fresh Hell-oween Is This?
Whatever you call it, 31st October is looming larger in the calendar than ever before, thanks to the unstoppable influences of social media, the Americanisation of our culture and cold, hard commercialism.
Indeed, in terms of consumer spending, it has now eclipsed Valentine's Day to become the third-biggest event after Christmas and Easter, reports the Telegraph.
Fighting the tide of terror or grumbling like a Halloween grinch are increasingly futile. So instead embrace and even enjoy it with our handy 10-point survival plan...
Yikes, the sheer horror of the ringing doorbell and gaggle of intimidating hooded creatures lurking on your front path. So how to deal with this harassment, intimidation and legalised begging? Oops, I mean, this charming tradition?
First, be prepared. Stock up with cheap-ish, small-ish sweets - lollies, mini-packs of Haribo, fun-size chocolate - because you won't want to give them your artisanal truffles. If you run out, never be tempted to give out money instead. Word will spread like wildfire and you'll have every urchin in a two-mile radius queuing up for their quids.
Alternatively, if you want to enter the spirit without any of the pesky human interaction, leave a bowl of sweets on the doorstep, with a sign saying, "New baby asleep. Please don't knock. Help yourself to a sweet". Although be prepared for the bowl to be emptied immediately and need refilling. (Or not, grinches)
Then, of course, there's the misanthropic coward's way: pull the curtains, turn off the lights and pretend you're out. But be prepared to feel under siege and not relax for several hours.
"PYO" pumpkin farms have officially become "a thing" in recent years, with welly-clad families descending to choose their own orange whoppers to carve - while the farms often lay on apple-bobbing, face-painting and spooky storytelling to make a day of it.
It's wholesome, ruddy-cheeked fun and the trend has been further fuelled by celebrities posting cutesy pics of their own "little pumpkins" doing it on Instagram - usually at the infamous Mr Bones' Pumpkin Patch in Los Angeles, which is a Hollywood hotspot at this time of year.
Closer to home, try Crockford Bridge in Surrey, Farmer Copley's in West Yorkshire, Cattow's in Leicestershire, Farrington's in Bristol, Foxes in Essex, Craigie's in Edinburgh, Kenyon Hall in Cheshire... Or head to pickyourownfarms.org.uk to find your prime local spot.
PYO tips: you're looking for firm flesh, a flat bottom (aren't we all, darling?) and a sturdy, solidly attached green stem.
If you're throwing a party or just embracing themed decor, it doesn't have to be plastic pumpkins and stretchy faux-cobwebs. This season's stylishly spooky decorations include crystal skulls, blown-glass pumpkin cloches, raven prints, candelabras, apothecary bottles, slate grey balloons and black twig wreaths.
Another tasteful trend is to paint pumpkins in monochrome: white, silver, matt black. Browse Instagram and Pinterest for inspiration ("inspo" in annoying youthspeak).
Twitter can sometimes be a scary cesspit of shouty opinions but one of its sweetest traditions is users changing their display name (as opposed to their @username) to something Halloween-themed each October. It's harmless, it's playful and it's an in-joke that anyone can join.
Just remember: SPRING back in horror that it's Easter already. FALL forward having a heart attack after being spooked by a Halloween outfit
— Michael Hogan (@michaelhogan) October 29, 2017
Painful puns and cheesy wordplay are positively encouraged. Paultergeist, Aaaarghlice, Adamned, Jennifear, Deadward, Stabbygail, that sort of thing. If you're struggling to think of one, use an online generator or crowdsource it by simply asking your followers for ideas. (I'm "My Ghoul Hogan", in case you were wondering.) Just remember to change it back again afterwards or you'll look a bit tragic, like someone wearing a Santa hat in January.
Forget the baffling tradition of pumpkin-spiced lattes, aka willingly drinking a milky melted candle. Instead, trick-or-treat yourself to drinks that put the "boo" into booze.
Wine-wise, choose labels with spooky names: Casillero del Diablo ("Cellar of the Devil"), Sinister Hand, The Wolftrap, 7 Deadly Zins, Bogle Phantom, Skeleton Vineyards or Grey Ghost. For whites or fizz, turn a hollowed-out pumpkin into an ice bucket.
Beer lovers can take their pick from such seasonal ales as Greene King's Gangly Ghoul, BrewDog's Pumpkin King, Wadworth's Treacle Treat, St Austell's Bucket Of Blood, Adnams' Ghost Ship, Thornbridge's Kill Your Darlings lager, Shipyard's Little Horror Of Hops or Arbor Ales' The Devil Made Me Brew It.
Use blood oranges in sangria. Serve creepy cocktails with syringes of grenadine, pomegranate juice or raspberry puree. Then, of course, there's the classic negroni or Bloody Mary. For added spookiness, throw in a gummy worm garnish or home-made eyeballs made from lychees stuffed with blueberries. Here's blood in your eye...
Whether you're going for ye olde toothy ghoulish grin or something different - a ghost, witch, vampire, haunted house or "Donald Trumpkin" - the carving rules are the same. Cut out the lid at a slight angle (to stop it falling straight down into the lantern), scoop out the insides (an ice cream scoop works well), draw your design on the pumpkin and carve it with a serrated knife.
Consider using your scraps creatively - to make eyeballs or a stick-out tongue, perhaps. If you go wrong, don't stress. Just pop any accidentally cut-off chunks on a cocktail stick ad reattach. Stick a tealight inside, cut a hole in the lid as a "chimney" to reduce burning and and behold. Just don't call it a "jack o' lantern" which is way too American.
Bonus tips: spear Vaseline on cut edges to seal in moisture and sprinkle cinnamon inside the lid to make it smell deliciously autumnal.
You’re probably not going to see a better pumpkin in Tunbridge Wells this week than @thegeorgetw excellent Donald Trumpkin this Halloween 💯🏆 pic.twitter.com/1kehFH1VNQ
— MacMan TW (@MacManTW) October 30, 2017
Get in the spirit without leaving the sofa with some suitably spooky TV.
Already, we've had the feverishly awaited second series of cult sci-fi horror Stranger Things land on Netflix; it will be one of the most talked-about TV dramas all year. On Tuesday, viewing will be dominated the decidedly non-scary Great British Bake Off Final - but afterwards, there's a double bill of MR James and Frankenstein on BBC Four from 10.30pm. Sky has also launched "pop-up" horror channel, Sky Cinema Halloween, for one week only.
There are all manner of scary screenings at cinemas, including the month-long "Horroctober" season at London's Prince Charles Cinema and three nights of fright at Hampton Court Palace's outdoor cinema. Hellraiser is on 30th anniversary re-release and The Shining is back out, complete with a brand new behind-the-scenes documentary. New slasher flick Happy Death Day is also proving a surprise hit. Check local listings... if you dare.
Don't bin the post-carving leftovers. Resist the temptation to do likewise with pumpkin lanterns on November 1st. There are plenty of tasty, un-wastey ways to use them up.
Make a warming Thai-spiced pumpkin soup by blending with coconut milk and red Thai curry paste. Roast chunky pumpkin wedges and serve with cavolo nero or kale, drizzled with lemon juice and natural yogurt. Layer it with a creamy sauce, onions, sage wholegrain mustard and Gruyere in a bubbling gratin. Bung it in a vegetable curry or a risotto with pancetta, leeks and thyme.
The seeds can also be roasted with chilli powder or cayenne pepper to nibble as a healthy snack or sprinkle atop the pumpkin dishes above. Yes, the foodie future is orange.
Ah, that sinking feeling when a fancy dress party hoves into view - rivalled only by the last-minute parental panic when one's child has a dress-up day at school. To avoid falling back on ye olde bed-sheet ghost or the dreaded "sexy cat", think outside the (dressing-up) box.
Oh-so-2017 options include Pennywise the clown from It, the Snapchat hotdog, ghostly Hugh Hefner, Wonder Woman, S&M Taylor Swift from the Look What You Made Me Do video, that woman trapped in a toilet window on a Tinder date and coughing Theresa May (complete with missing letters on the backdrop).
Mexican Day Of The Dead looks are still on-point, as are Donald Trump, Melania and Suicide Squad's Harley Quinn for the second year running. TV binge-watchers are going for Offred from The Handmaid's Tale, Walking Dead zombies, Game Of Thrones characters or Eleven from Stranger Things.
Best avoid the bad taste topical outfits that are doing the rounds: Kim Jong-Un, Anne Frank and, erm, Harvey Weinstein. There's also been a health scare about coloured contact lenses, so give those a swerve too.
Always useful to have a few timely gags up your sleeve, to amuse children or fill any awkward sags in fright night conversation. A few of our favourites:
Why do you never see vampires in Wetherspoons on a Tuesday? It's stake night.
Why did the vampire subscribe to the Telegraph? He heard it had great circulation.
What's the difference between Donald Trump and a pumpkin? They're both orange and strangely popular in America - but a pumpkin has a thick skin.
What happens if you don't pay your exorcist? Your house gets repossessed.
If you need a break from the slopes or don’t fancy a ski, there’s still a lot to do this.