Around 83,000 New Zealanders are living with dementia. Photo / Dementia NZ
Around 83,000 New Zealanders are living with dementia. Photo / Dementia NZ
Dementia is not a tidy storyline with a predictable arc and known endpoint. Many of those supporting a loved one in cognitive decline experience a hidden grief as they navigate what is often referred to as “living loss”.
“You don’t know how long it’s going to last, you don’t know how quickly the demise is going to occur. You don’t know what’s ahead. And then on top of that, there are all those other aspects, both tangible losses and intangible.”
Instead of trying to control the uncontrollable, Hone urges loved ones of those affected by dementia to “meet them where they’re at” and build what she calls “islands of certainty”.
Hone uses that phrase for the anchors that steady you as roles and routines shift. She defines these anchors as “the people, the places, the practices, the possessions that you can hang on to”.
She considers them a way to endure a long season of ambiguity without losing yourself.
Resilience researcher and grief expert Dr Lucy Hone. Photo / supplied
Hone has experienced bereavement loss with the deaths of her daughter and mother, alongside the living loss of her brother. She advises those grieving to step in and out of the hard feelings and to keep returning to those anchors.
“It is both typical and healthy to approach your loss and do all that crying and grieving and experience the hard emotions. And then to withdraw and disengage and go and do things that actually do make you laugh and make you feel good.”
Listen to the full episode of The Little Things for more from Dr Lucy Hone and Helen Frank from Alzheimer’s Taranaki.
The Little Things is available on iHeartRadio, Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts. The series is hosted by broadcaster Francesca Rudkin and health researcher Louise Ayrey. New episodes are available every Saturday.
