The Dating Diaries: What to expect when reconnecting with an ex

Thinking of reuniting with an ex? Expected the unexpected writes Lillie Rohan. Photo / Getty Images

OPINION:

Ahh, old loves. No matter who, what, when, where, how or why, they all have a place in your heart.

You can see your bestie rolling her eyes as soon as you mention an old flame's name, but getting back with an ex can actually sometimes be a good thing. Hear me out.

Take the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, for example. The couple dated through university before splitting for a couple of years where they did some soul searching and then reunited in true fairy-tale fashion.

Or J-Lo and Ben Affleck. In what might be the most iconic recoupling, Bennifer was reborn almost 20 years after they first called it quits and between enviable yacht trips and saccharine sweet PDAs, they are making old new love look very appealing.

And while we may not all have a Ben and Jen ending, recoupling with an ex may provide answers to all of your unanswered questions that lingered in the past.

Natasha Lunn, the author of Conversations on Love, interviewed bestselling author Sarah Hepola, who reconnected with an old lover. It didn't work out in the way she expected but she was still happy with the end result.

"I got to do something that most people don't ever get to: I walked back into the past I wanted for myself and saw how poorly it would have fit," Hepola said.

She went on to say: "The older I get, the more I realise the things I wanted were not necessarily the things that would have given me what I needed at the time."

So while it's easy for your friend, or you at times, to say getting back with an ex is certain to be disastrous, the energy and notion of it isn't so ridiculous.

And if you are thinking of reaching out to an ex, randomly running into them, or are sitting on an unopened DM, there are a few things to keep in mind as you dabble into 2.0 territory.

They aren't the same person you left

I won't bore you with the "people change" spiel, you've heard it, you know it, you've experienced it. When you see your ex you have to expect that they, like you, have changed. In saying that, if you can tell after your first interaction that they haven't, run.

You can't hold the actions of their 20-year-old self against them when they're now 10 years older and now have legitimate political opinions that aren't Joe Rogan quotes.

Be open to the fact they aren't the same person they were when you first dated but have some respect for your past self and don't be naive, stay alert for any typical red flag behaviour they have shown before.

Expect the unexpected

People have a way of surprising you in the most unexpected ways and an ex is no different, so be ready for them to have some new habits you weren't aware of. In Conversations on Love, Lunn interviews Heather Havrilesky, an "Ask Polly" author who gives a perfect piece of advice for this situation: "She also reminded me that, as much as love involves consciousness, part of it requires us to close our eyes and jump without a plan."

I found that when reconnecting with someone from my past I was ready for certain behaviours I had become accustomed to, but the reality was very different. So be ready for anything, small or big.

Where they were once the person least likely to engage in affection, now they fall asleep with their hand in yours. With age comes maturity and while they used to lower your self-esteem with degrading comments, maybe now they now build it up with compliments about your cool job or good looks.

The sudden doubt

Rekindling an old love comes with a lot of feelings. Nostalgia for who and where you were at the time in your life, excitement for a second chance and of course, doubt. You can't help but wonder why you're spending time with them. Is it because you genuinely miss them? Or are you simply single at the same time and living a conveniently short 10-minute walk from each other?

In Conversations on Love, Lunn found herself in the exact situation of reconnecting with Ben, an old love who weaved in and out of her life for years and it wasn't until her late 20's that she finally decided to confront why she kept letting him into her life, "Still, when I was homesick I slept in his faded black H&M T-shirt because he had become a memory of home, a tie to a past version of myself that was reassuring to flick back to whenever I felt confused in the present."

Lillie Rohan on what to expect when reconnecting with an ex. Photo / Supplied

I used to be the first to discourage reconnecting with an ex but if maturing has resulted in anything, it's being more open-minded. Reconnecting with an ex could end up being the difference between pining over them for years to come, living your happily ever after with them, or simply closing a door without subconsciously sticking a wedge between it.