If you and your partner can't seem to make things align in the bedroom, try these helpful tips from somatic sexologist Morgan Penn.
If you and your partner can't seem to make things align in the bedroom, try these helpful tips from somatic sexologist Morgan Penn.
Opinion
If your 20-year-old self could see you now, reading an article about mismatched libidos, you might be a little bit shocked. But you shouldn’t be.
Whether you’re the one avoiding sex and intimacy with your lover, or on the receiving end of what feels like a never-ending no, eventhe most sexual of us can reach a point in time where having sex or sharing intimate moments with your lover feels like a chore.
Maybe you’ve got low libido, maybe they do. Perhaps yours is up with the international space station while theirs is somewhere closer to a Boeing 777 mid-flight.
Before you sit there and ask yourself what the heck is wrong with you - because the answer is nothing - instead, let’s focus on how we can resurrect your libido.
Speaking to the Herald, somatic sexologist andSex.Life podcast host Morgan Penn has all the answers for this touchy (no pun intended) topic.
What is libido?
Simply put, your libido is the thing that drives you to engage in sexual activities. For some people, it can be high, meaning sex and intimacy is an important part of their everyday life. For other people, it may be low, which sees sex and intimacy taking a back seat in their day-to-day life.
Your libido - which is also known as your sex drive - can come in many different forms. It can be physical, emotional or mental. It can also be a state of social wellbeing that directly relates to your sexuality, and with its many forms, it can be affected by just as many factors.
Penn says there are “lots of layers” when it comes to what can affect your sexual desires, but “stress is probably our number-one killer”.
“We are living these fast-paced, full lives,” she explains, adding, “We’re time-poor, and so we actually need to prioritise and make time and space for arousal and for sex.”
She explains that when you’re stressed, your cortisol levels increase, which in turn lowers your testosterone levels. “We need testosterone for arousal in the body,” she says, so with the increased cortisol and lowered testosterone, you may see negative effects on your sexual desire and genital arousal.
Other major contributors to what changes our libidos can be medication, mental health and physical health. One thing that isn’t a contributor, though, is gender.
Penn says despite past research suggesting men have more testosterone so therefore think about sex and actively seek out sex more than women, proving a higher libido, “it’s not actually true”. With new research - which the sexologist states is “constantly evolving”, we “can’t really say now who’s got a higher sex drive”.
“It’s actually quite a hard one to navigate. There are just so many factors that play into this, like biology, age, medications - it’s very situational.” She says, “It’s just so dependent on the person and the personal factors.”
Somatic sexologist Morgan Penn reveals the best way to approach mismatched libidos with your partner.
Conversations around mismatched libidos
It’s easy to see if you and your partner are experiencing different libido levels. You may be pushing intimacy and sex only to be met with rejection, or maybe you’re the person pulling away from those affectionate moments.
If this is you and your partner, Penn believes the first place to start is by approaching with compassion and acknowledging that while you may be partners in life, you are still two separate bodies that are going through different ebbs and flows in your life. Second, she says it’s important to open the lines of communication.
“I always think for any conversation that’s quite big or meaningful, that you want proper attention and time given to it.” She goes on to explain a conversation like this isn’t one you should rush into and you may find better results may come from you telling your partner you have something “really important” to talk to them about.
After you’ve expressed your desire to have this conversation, you can ask them when is a good time for you both to have the conversation, “and then it’s really about owning what’s happening for you as the person that’s bringing it to the table”, Penn says.
One way you can approach the topic is by first acknowledging whether you are the partner with the higher or lower libido and going from there.
If you are the partner with the lower libido, Penn suggests saying something along the lines of, “I’m noticing that my libido has been really low lately and it’s making me not want to have sex. I’m just wondering how this is impacting you.” Another way to phrase this could be, “I’m noticing you’re putting a bit more pressure on me, and I just need you to pull back a little bit.”
If you are the partner who feels they have a higher sex drive, you may approach the conversation more from the direction of, “Hey, I’ve noticed that we haven’t been having much sex or intimacy lately and I’m really missing it, and I’m wondering what’s going on for you to see if we can maybe connect a little bit more in this realm?”
However you choose to have this conversation, Penn says that “it’s about coming in with respect and curiosity and love”, because at the end of the day, it is a very tender topic.
Opening the lines of communication is important if you and your partner are struggling with libido differences. Photo / Getty Images
Finding a solution
Once you and your partner have communicated what you both need in the sex and intimacy realm, take a breather.
Penn explains regardless of how the conversation goes, whether you find a compromise or don’t find one at all, this is a good time to reflect on the responsibility you have for your own pleasure.
“We do not want to be putting pressure or expectations on anybody else,“ she explains. “We think we have to outsource, and that it’s our partner’s job to make us feel good in this area, and it’s just not. It’s not up to them. They shouldn’t be having to put out to satisfy us.”
“If we are aroused and we want to have that sorted out, we should do that ourselves.”
Despite this, if you or your partner still want to be involved in these intimate moments without actually sharing their body, Penn says there are ways around this.
“They can still be along for the ride of the other person. You can be there present in the room to support while the other person is self-pleasuring. Ask them what would help them. Do they want you to dirty talk, to moan, to just touch - and maybe not even in a sexual way, but touch their arm or just be close?”
Psychotherapist and relationship counsellor Kyle Macdonald says while sex is one of the glues that hold a relationship together, it isn’t the only glue. Photo / Getty Images
How important is sex and intimacy?
Having a mismatched libido with your partner can sometimes be a difficult journey to navigate. Psychotherapist and relationship counsellor Kyle MacDonald says, “As the old saying goes - when the sexual relationship is working well, it’s a small part of the relationship. When it isn’t, it becomes a big thing.”
He believes that while sex is one of the glues that hold a relationship together, it isn’t the only glue, and says intimacy should just be a tool for opening “communication, spending time together and feeling closer”.
It’s something Penn agrees with. She states it’s important not to see mismatched libidos as a sign of the strength of your relationship; it’s how you communicate and navigate it.
“This is a tricky thing, so, knowing that the libidos aren’t always going to be the same - it is about radical honesty and hearty conversations and sharing needs and desires, and outsourcing for help if you need it.”
Lillie Rohan is an Auckland-based reporter covering lifestyle and entertainment stories who joined the Herald in 2020. She specialises in all things relationships and dating, great Taylor Swift ticket wars and TV shows you simply cannot miss out on.
