They might have been a summer fling in Matakana, or someone you thought you’d settle down, buy a house and have kids with in Dunedin, but chances are they’re now a chapter you’re happy to turn the page on and make fun of with your friends.
So, from the mince and cheese pie to Six60 ghost, here are seven types of Kiwi exes:
Your Otago first love
The first love can be summed up in one sickly little sentence: “You just grew apart but still have lots of love for each other.” Vomit. You met your first love at high school and still have the ball photos of you two pulling very un-PC gang signs somewhere. You followed them to Otago University, ditched your friend group and made the love bubble your entire personality.
Why watch a couch burning on Castle Street when you can gross everyone out with PDA in the library? After a couple of years, you realised you’re just not the same person you were when you wore foundation as lipstick. So, after going on your OE and “almost” snogging a sexy Greek, you decided it was time to finally be single.
You are the person their future partner will always hate, but pretend not to. I can’t explain it. It’s just science.
Good friends - AKA the mince and cheese pie
They’re the ex you still have on speed dial, and always bring your favourite Tip Top ice cream when they come for dinner.
There was once an Izzie and George moment where you considered getting it on because the current dating pool was more dire than a Bakers Delight cabinet after smoko. But, after an extremely awkward and giggle-filled intimate moment, you realised they simply weren’t the mince and cheese pie for you.
There’s still a tiny part of you that thinks about them, and if you’re both 40 and unmarried, you’ll probably head to Waiheke for a romance-free, Instagram-worthy wedding. Until then, besties forever.
The Viaduct boomerang
He’s the best flirt you’ve ever met and always makes you feel like a 10 out of 10. You look past his Lynx Africa obsession and manky Birkenstocks because you both know you keep in touch for hook-up purposes only. Posting an extra-hot thirst trap on Instagram from bottomless brunch, he swipes up with the fire emoji before asking “when and where?”.
A night of passion, regret and a newfound ick ensues before you hit the McDonald’s drive-through, pretending like you’re dating, and it fills up your relationship cup until the inevitable next time you come face-to-face at the Viaduct.
Danny Doolan’s drunk texter
When they’re sober, they simply forget you exist and likely have you blocked on at least one social media platform. It bothered you at first because your ego was fragile and you fully believed you were the hot ex they reminisce about, thinking, “Damn, I want to solidify our relationship with a trip to Onsen Hot Pools.”
Thankfully, the post-relationship world returned to its natural order when one unsuspecting Saturday in the middle of Danny Doolans, an “I miss you” text came through. With live music blasting, $10 shots and BO mixed with 1Million filling the room, you realised you’re drunk on power, while they’re just drunk.
The Mazda Axela cheater
This ex ruined love for you - at least for a year or two. Making you the bitter realist you are today, they’re the one who broke your heart into a million pieces, leaving you no choice but to throw yourself into an F45 membership. You tried to forgive and forget, but healing from their truly lame behaviour only came to an end after dragging their name on the Countdown noticeboards.
It made you feel slightly better, but not as much as finding out their new lover did the dirty on them. Regardless, you do sometimes wonder why you ever dated someone who drove a Mazda Axela and had a glitter phone case.
The R&V toxic ex
All your friends hate them and you cried more in the six months dating them than you have in your entire life - especially when they dumped you on the Rhythm & Vines hill to have the “single experience”.
After cutting ties, you felt like a weight was lifted off your shoulders - that is, until they started sporadically liking your Instagram posts.
Instead of blocking them, you naturally started looking for their name in your story views, huffing on a watermelon-flavoured vape and swiping right on Tinder until you were banned. Thankfully, you finally closed the book on them when you found out they had started working for Ray White and messaged asking if you were interested in getting into the housing market.
Six60′s Ghost
This ex saw you naked 50-100 times during your hot and steamy love match. But one day, without warning, they block you on all social media platforms and act like they’ve never met you.
Refusing to reply to your mutual friend who asks what happened, they pretend like they didn’t tap that in a McDonald’s carpark, and if they MUST address you, they use the full version of your name and an awkward nod as they somehow include the words “mates”, “pal” and “dude” in the overly formal greeting. Years later they will have a child and name it after you, acting genuinely confused when someone says, “Didn’t you have an ex called that?”
Maybe Six60 said it best when they said: “Don’t forget your roots, my friend.”
Lillie Rohan is an Auckland-based reporter covering lifestyle and entertainment stories who joined the Herald in 2020. She specialises in all things relationships and dating, great Taylor Swift ticket wars and TV shows you simply cannot miss out on.
