From background checks to exit plans, these rules for modern dating are here to help.
Dating in 2025 can feel like a minefield.
Once you’ve navigated around breadcrumbing, love bombing and ghosting, you have to hope you don’t step on any explosive topics while also being yourself, appearing relaxed and showcasing the best version of “you”. And all the while, you’re just hoping they don’t notice that you used the smoothing filter on all your dating profile pics.
Because Botox isn’t cheap, and resourcefulness should be a turn-on in 2025.
So, where do you start in the hunt for love, and how do you make sure you don’t get it wrong?
I spoke to 10 people who have recently dipped their toes into the dating pool about the rules of dating in New Zealand in 2025.
The most popular rule that daters swore by was carrying out a low-level background check before agreeing to the date.
Gone are the days when looking up a person’s online presence was considered “stalking”. In 2025, this check is an essential tool to make sure you aren’t related (it is New Zealand, after all), your friends never dated them, they’re not a bot, and they don’t appear in the Crime section of the Herald.
Any mutual friends must also provide a general vibe test as well as being reliable references. According to one dater, this check is also the key to ensuring life’s not going to be awkward if things go badly.
“Check mutuals on Instagram to see if it’s friend-cestuous. [There’s] nothing worse than continuing to awkwardly bump into each other at parties and such.”
A strategic exit plan is a must – if things aren’t working out on the date, it’s important to have a well-thought-out (and kind) exit plan to spare feelings and time.
One genius ex-dater suggested you can even make yourself look like an environmental hero in the process.
“Pro tip: If someone asks you out for a coffee date, make sure you order your drink in a takeaway cup so you can leave if it all goes south - without having to sacrifice your flat white. Or kill two birds with one stone by bringing your keep cup. Not only will you be able to leave with your precious beverage in hand, chances are you’ll impress them with how eco-conscious you are.”
Another dater suggested that having your date pick you up and open the car door for you might have been cute in the 90s, but it’s a no-no for safety, and a swift exit, in 2025.
“Always drive yourself to the date (or Uber, bus if you intend on drinking) but do not let them pick you up.”
If Kirstie and Phil have taught us anything, it’s that location matters.
If you want to show your date your sick skimboard moves or at-home crafting corner, it might be better to wait.
“The beach is a great spot, given how many nice beaches there are, and it’s summery, fun, and flirty,” said one dater. “But on the flip side, out in the middle of nowhere with marginal cell service ... yikes. Maybe a second or third date thing.”
Another added: “Inviting someone over to cook them a meal or watch a movie is now a second date standard affair (unless you already have [another] idea in mind).” Wink wink.
Instead, try a nice bar (not a sports bar, please!) with an intimate but not intimidating vibe. Nobody wants to get the ick watching you pop that towering bubble on top of your 15-ingredient cocktail.
If the date vibe feels more fun, try an arcade, pool hall or something similar.
While it might seem obvious, those re-entering the dating pool after some time away might not know all the small talk topics that could immediately turn a date sour.
On the list of no-go conversation starters from my experts were: anything about politics, money, name-dropping celeb affiliations, anything bragadocious, and talking about your ex.
“Do NOT talk about your ex on the first date. Ever,” one said. When asked if it was okay for daters to bring the ex along as an example of what not to do, the helpful dater suggested, “Either that or a CV.”
Most importantly, ask questions to get to know your date. Yes, a date is a chance to put your best foot forward and share a bit about you, but it’s got to be a two-way conversation, not a TED Talk.
Dating app chat can only go so far. People you are talking to need to know that you have every intention of taking the chat offline and into the real world – potential daters mustn’t be there just to stroke your ego, and playing chat games is unfair.
“It’s inevitable that most dates start on the apps these days. A friend recently put me onto the idea that, if the other person has not suggested an in-person meeting within the first five messages, instantly cut them loose,” one dater explained.
It comes back to the age-old saying: “If they wanted to, they would.”
While a Friday or Saturday night might seem like the obvious choice for those of us who still look at Sunday-Thursday as “school nights”, it turns out a lot of daters prefer a Thursday evening, keeping the weekend free for pals and existing connections.
“A Thursday night date is always best. If it goes really well, you can see them on the weekend and, in the words of the great Chappell Roan, ‘never waste a Friday night on a first date’.”
See you at the Pink Pony Club on Thursday, Queen.
As well as things you shouldn’t do or say, a lot of daters told me their rules extend to professions, too.
Some specific jobs that were mentioned as universally recognised no-go areas: professional sportspeople, musicians, DJs and entrepreneurs.
The last, but arguably most important, rule is staying safe and letting your friends or family know where you are going and when. Dating is hard enough without worrying about whether your safety is at risk.
“Typical safety rules still apply: give a friend your location, meet in a public place,” advised one sensible single.