Now that I’ve been a father for a while, I feel ready to present my finest wisdom ...
This week, my son turned 10. Which means I’ve now been a father for an entire decade. A proud milestone.
For the benefit of any man about to become a
The 20 biggest lessons I’ve learned from a decade of being a dad
By Michael Deacon
Daily Telegraph UK·
5 mins to read
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For at least the first year of your child’s life, always wear the cheapest possible clothes. Better yet, a bin liner with armholes. Photo / 123rf
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3. As soon as your child can talk, he or she will subject you to a relentless barrage of questions, most of which you will struggle to answer. “Daddy, how do you make salt? How long is a rainbow fish? How did the moon get there? What’s a private part?”
4. On the rare occasions you and your wife have a night out, just the two of you, you’ll spend the entire time talking about your child, wondering what he or she is up to, how well he or she is behaving, should you just quickly text the babysitter …
5. With bedtime stories, avoid giving all the characters different accents – because by the next night you’ll have forgotten which was which. “Oh God. Was this old wizard Irish, or Scouse?”
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6. You will never again be able to do anything on the spur of the moment, e.g. leap on a random train on Friday night and spend the weekend wherever it’s headed. Not that you ever did that when you could have. No one appreciates the freedom they have till it’s gone.
7. But, while always having to put someone else’s needs first is very restricting, it’s also liberating – because it frees you from your own ego, vanity and neuroses. As a parent, you no longer have any time to waste on navel-gazing.
8. Any word your child mispronounces will become standard usage in your household for the rest of your lives. In our house, for example, sea anemones will always be “sea enemies”.
9. If the guards at Guantanamo had really wanted to torture their prisoners, they would have played them an audio recording of a soft-play centre on a Saturday morning.
10. You will spend an excessive amount of time pondering the logical flaws in children’s TV shows. For example: why do Peppa Pig and her animal friends go on a school trip to a zoo? Isn’t that like children going on a school trip to a prison?
11. Only once your child has started school will it dawn on you that he or she will be getting twice as much holiday as you. What are you going to do, when he or she is off but you and your wife are both at work? Ask your bosses if they’ll accept a 5-year-old intern?
12. You will deeply resent your child being given any homework that involves “craft skills” (glue, glitter etc). Because you know full well that you’ll end up having to do it all yourself. And, because you know the other dads will be doing the same, you’ll be stupidly competitive and treat the papier-mâché brontosaurus you’re making as if it were the most important work of art since the Sistine Chapel.
13. There is no greater nuisance on earth than applying sunscreen to a reluctant child. It’s like trying to arm-wrestle an octopus.
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14. When taking your child out by yourself, never trust the phrase, “But Mummy lets me.” This is a cynical lie designed to wangle sweets, slushies and other unsuitable items out of you.
15. Your child will invariably treat you as if you’re at least 50 years older than you actually are. “When you were little,” my son once asked me, “were cars a thing?”
16. You will fret endlessly about the dangers of screen time. Just like previous generations of parents fretted endlessly about the dangers of rap music, arcade games, long hair or Cliff Richard.
17. You will no longer feel able to watch any TV drama in which a child goes missing.
18. You will feel far more nervous about school reports than you ever did as a child. Equally, when those reports are good, you will feel far prouder than you ever did as a child.
19. Every now and then, something your child says or does will eerily remind you of yourself, and you’ll feel as if you’re having an out-of-body experience. “That’s me,” you’ll think. “I’m looking at myself, 30 years ago.”
20. You will feel disappointed when your child doesn’t like the same books, sports, music or hobbies you did at the same age. Ultimately, though, this is a good thing. It’s preparing you for the realisation that your child is his or her own person, who will one day make all his or her own decisions, and lead his or her own life, without your help. Which will be both sad and wonderful, at the same time.
