Meanwhile there have been rumours that Bill Gates is engaged to his girlfriend Paula Hurd, and his youngest child is 20: even better. Also, he’s been divorced for two years which is similarly in his girlfriend’s favour: the gap between divorce and remarrying is a big part of the good timing rule and two years is an acceptable cooling-off period. You want to avoid going below that if you hope to keep the children on side.
Once you’ve passed the two-year mark and joined the step-parenting club, there are 11 more rules to follow:
1. Don’t be the first one on the scene when the marriage ends
See how we’re trying to avoid using the phrase “broke up the marriage” or any blaming but the fact is that children of divorce will frequently blame the next person Daddy brings home – unless they’re pretty sure it was all Daddy’s fault. Might they be happier in the end than they were in the toxic death throes of their parents’ marriage? They might. But for now they’re looking for someone to hate and the next girlfriend will do nicely.
2. Don’t be aggressively loved up
Putting this high up on the list because Please. This is the worst. Children don’t take kindly to their parent’s PDAs and that’s because it’s creepy snogging in front of them and demonstrates you’re not thinking about them at all. J-Lo and Ben Affleck forgot this at a party and the world recoiled.
3. Have fun as a family
There you go. That’s the difference. Renée and Ant included the kids in their Glorious Goodwood jamboree and here’s hoping they’ll also be taking them on the holiday with the camping and white-water rafting and Mamma Mia singalong night, not the one when everyone lies in silence on loungers around the infinity pool waiting for the colonic irrigation appointment.
4. Be a good friend
The goal of modern stepmothers is to be a very good friend to their stepchildren. You may like to think of yourself as “a bonus mother” as Gwyneth Paltrow once said, but life is a lot easier if stepmothers have the expectations and responsibilities of a normal caring adult.
What do mothers do that caring adults don’t? Lay down the law, get cross, cry, say “Right, that is It”, go nuts if one of their children has an unscheduled haircut. Go nuts if they drop their phone in the sea. Go nuts if they come home late. Why not leave that to him and their actual mother? Why not be the one who winks and says “Oh don’t worry darling, it couldn’t matter less”?
This is how we imagine Camilla in her peachy stepmothering heyday. Sneaking out for a ciggie with bad Harry. Taking Wills for a long defusing walk with the dog. Opening another bottle and making everyone dance in the kitchen.
5. Try saying yes a lot
And laughing. Step-parenting can feel quite serious if you’re not careful.
6. Give the children time on their own with their dad
They might not particularly want it but they might need to nip off for a weekend together once in a while. And then they can come back and say “Dad is so rubbish at organising stuff. What’s for supper?”
7. Explain your rules
As in have a few and keep them simple. No food upstairs. I cook, you wash. We sit down at the table once a day, no phones, and talk to each other.
8. Get a dog
If they can’t love you they’ll love the dog and it’s your dog. It’s a step in the right direction.
9. Befriend the ex-wife, in due course
You don’t have to be chums. But if you can be in the same hall for graduation day that would be nice, for everyone.
10. Don’t weaponise the kids
We have no idea what has taken place in the Ioan Gruffudd and Alice Evans divorce but their daughter is right in the middle of it and attempting to take out a restraining order against your father’s new partner is extreme. Not good.
11. Don’t make the start of the new relationship year zero
A very common failing. All the pictures, all the memories, all the references in speeches date from the new relationship. Talk about Then: they might love you for it.
