That Guy: Basically basic nuptials ... and that includes the sex

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Opinion

In these tight times we can all do with some help - so here's my wedding tip of the week, guaranteed to save you time and money.

We are all experiencing wedding fever but there is nothing more extravagant than a custom-made wedding dress. This amounts to something that you pay for, wear once and discard after use.

The only other such example I can think of would have to be a condom. And, let's face it, if many people had used one of those in the first place they probably wouldn't be getting married anyway.

A costume-hire company is the ideal place to get a wedding dress and if I could do it all again that's where we would have sourced my wife's wedding dress.

Okay, that one might be a hard sell but I have other ideas.

In regards to my wedding attire there isn't a lot I would have done differently; I hired a suit from Frank Casey. But I could have avoided huge costs by cancelling the function centre booking and having the whole reception in-store at Frank Casey's inner-city shop.

The males in the bridal party could all be fitted out on the day, right off the rack, and they could return the suits later during the reception. This means you are hiring for the least possible time and it greatly reduces the chances of misplacing the odd waistcoat, bowtie or cufflinks, all of which will have a deposit on them.

If you are about to get married, these are some of the things you might want to consider.

To get more wedding tips, or if you would like my full guide on planning your own wedding, send $29.95 and a self-addressed envelope to the editor and he will let me know that you are interested.

Just so that we are clear, though, I must stress that the tips only cover the wedding itself, not how to maintain a successful marriage, complete with a fulfilling and exciting sex life.

This is not to say that my wife and I don't have that; it's just that those tips are only available as part of my audio tape series titled, She Can Wear the Pants as Long as I Can Get in Them Once in a While. This six-tape series costs $49.95 and you must have a tape deck that can play old C60s.

For an extra $25.95 you can get the Karma Sutra VHS tape series that features me demonstrating an array of sexual techniques.

Tapes one and two focus on getting to know your life partner sexually; tapes three and four are all about exploring her most intimate erogenous zones; tapes five and six stress the importance of combining emotions with physical touch and tape seven is about trying to pull off a one-night stand.

Perhaps I should leave it there. As the old saying goes, less is more when advertising a product.

Incidentally, the concept of "less is more" will come up somewhere on tape five when I discuss "nipple technique".

Remember, you are not trying to tune in a short-wave radio.