Ten things we never post on Instagram

From recreational drugs to infidelity, if you wouldn't do it in front of your mother or colleagues, keep it off social media. Photo / Thinkstock

Personal branding and social validation has become inherent in today's society, with everyone glued to Instagram, presenting the best façade of themselves to the world and basking in the likes that follow. It's a high speed, high stakes, intuitive popularity contest tied up with insecurity and the fear of missing out. However, for all the things we post to Instagram, more telling are those that we don't and why.

1: Bad meals

We're all guilty of foodgrams; sometimes that brunch just looks too gorgeous, or it's your first nice meal out in far too long so why not celebrate the moment and gloat a little. However there are some meals that you just don't share - be they mince on toast the day before payday, or a bleak low calorie dinner when you're desperately trying to drop that kilogram you think you've put on. Some meals aren't made for sharing in any sense of the word; Instagram is for pretending we can all afford brunch and restaurant meals with wild abandon.

2: Your old, bare mattress on laundry day

Crisp, fresh bed linen is popular Instagram fodder; it communicates so much for the user - the luxury of expensive/organic/designer bedding, the indulgence of enjoying time off on the weekend or simply that they have their s**t together enough to have a properly made bed. It's often accompanied by other status signifiers, from the latest copy of Vogue to a photogenic pet/child or a suspiciously well-placed assortment of shoes and Apple products. Never do we see the grim reality of your sister's friend's mattress that you bought for $20, laid bare on laundry day. Or (even bleaker) they day afterwards because you just couldn't be bothered putting your sheets back on the night before.

3: Fresh relationships

There's nothing quite like the tentative excitement of a new courtship, a hothouse of butterflies and boundary testing and social introductions; but there's also nothing quite like the insecurity and fear of "jinxing it". This uncertain period calls for an ironically old-fashioned privacy that's rarely seen on social media. Posts are vague, capturing "brunch with friends" or "watching the sun go down" as moments are enjoyed yet not shared, for fear of coming on too strong or serious - or that the relationship will be over before your post can reach double digits. In our plugged in, switched on modern age, nothing cements a new relationship like the first post to make it all "public" in every sense of the word.

4: Bad selfies

Those days when your eczema or adult acne has flared up, your hair should have been washed two days ago, or that fluorescent lighting is just doing nothing for you and your cellphone camera never gets flipped to selfie mode. Whether we admit it or not, selfies are for when you're totally feeling your look, or you inadvertently found some GREAT light; we feel good about ourselves, and we want to share that with the world and bathe in the warmth of likes, validation, compliments and strategic emojis. Because why shouldn't we celebrate moments of self-confidence when they do arise for both ourselves (own it!) and our friends?

5: "Sick Days"

Rule number one (and two, three and four) of pulling a sickie; do not post anything to social media unless it depicts you in bed or at the doctors office. Resist the urge to humblebrag your hungover brunch. This rule also applies if you're the kind of person to bail on plans with friends with some vague excuse about family commitments or food poisoning - keep whatever you blew them off for under wraps and off social media.

6: Inspiration quotes

Whilst inoffensive at first glance, there's something grating about the proclivity of these nonsensical, enlightened posts - especially from people who are repeat offenders. They tend to go hand in hand with posts of girls jumping into the ocean holding hands, designer candles, blank notebooks and bad filter choices. Likewise, uplifting sentiments can quickly lose their impact when they start clogging your feed. Personally I prefer to keep anything motivational as private as possible, so that I can keep pretending to be just winging it with life.

7: Post-coital selfies

Possibly the strangest social media trend to pop up in recent years, and the most cringe-worthy humblebrag of all; the post-sex selfie is akin to teenage locker room bragging or giggly hen's night confessions. Whilst sex is a healthy part of life and should be rid of societal shame, keep the sweaty and sticky afterglow to whoever is in the bed with you.

8: Things we shouldn't be doing

From recreational drugs to infidelity, if you wouldn't do it in front of your mother or colleagues, keep it off social media. You'd be hard pressed to find someone stupid enough to flaunt their side piece or love for God knows what passes for ecstasy these days on their Instagram.

9: Unflattering photos of your friends

Group photos are, obviously, a group effort. You're celebrating a moment and your friendship, but there's an unspoken understanding that you all better look good. There's a collective sense of trust and honesty as you collectively decide which photo presents everyone best. Naturally I thought it appropriate to get the opinion of one my closest friends (and possessor of excellent photo etiquette) Johnny, "You can't post that because that's like throwing everyone under the bus; you're a bad friend if you do that, putting one hot picture of yourself brings down like an entire group of people." If you're the only one who looks good, just post a selfie, otherwise it will most likely come back to bite you (and you'll definitely be tagged in that one).

10: Bad filters

Nothing ruins a celebrity's brand like the discovery that they are clearly running their own Instagram account, and that they clearly have no taste. While the very early days of the platform were filled with the novelty of vintage, Lomo-esque filters, that quickly wore off faster than you could finish your ethical coffee. So it's surprising that years later, people still seem unable to realise how hideous their filter choices are - abusing rustic framing, oversaturation and unnatural vignettes. There is never a valid excuse to use Toaster.

(Ed's note: Guilty as charged)

- nzherald.co.nz