When it comes to
wedged sneakers (or 'snedges'), I can kind of, almost, let it go. But as soon as you don a jandal featuring a kitten heel, it's time for a reality check. Are you Paris Hilton from 2004? Jandals are a casual form of footwear, they're not meant to be dressed up. You wear them down to the beach and in the shower at the gym so you don't contract athlete's foot. There is no place for jandals in a dressy setting and therefore they will never, I repeat, never, require a feature heel.
2: Wrap-around sunglasses
Any woman who is not a sailor or lover of water sports, listen up. Those sharkies you're still wearing from 1998? It's time to throw them away for the following reasons: First of all, if you're not a fan of kayaking, they're sure as heck going to make you look like one. Second of all, you don't need your sunglasses to protect your temples, you have sunscreen for that. And thirdly, the guy that's coming over later to fix your dodgy plumbing? I'm pretty sure he owns some. You shouldn't.
Queen Elizabeth II is often seen wearing her jeweled wrap-around sunnies. Photo / Getty
3: Knee-length leggings
Want your legs to look shorter? Wear knee-length leggings! Self-conscious about your thighs? Let everyone know about it, with knee-length leggings! Keen on some weird tan-lines? Knee-length leggings! I think you get the idea. Nothing good comes from wearing knee-length leggings in everyday life. Gym life is the only exception.
4: A hair crimper
In 1999 I was given a hair crimper for my birthday and oh man, did I think I was the coolest. Guess how old I was? 13. And do I still have it now? No way. Even if the latest trend on the runway at New York Fashion Week is to sport that 'I slept with 12 plaits in my hair last night' look, it doesn't mean this can translate into real life. Invest in a curling tong or a set of hot rollers instead. Natural waves, ladies. Natural waves.
Actress Emmy Rossum, a model and Tyra Banks sporting crimped hair. Photos / Getty Images
5: A cross-body backpack
If you own - and wear - a cross-body backpack, I'm going to bet my life savings that you also still own - and wear - rollerblades. There are so many carry-all options available from two-strap backpacks to satchels and rucksacks, there's no reason you should be velcro-ing a bag of your belongings across your chest.
6: A handbag for your dog
Again, are you Paris Hilton from 2004? What happens when your dog needs to pee? Doesn't it need more room than that? Why isn't your dog on a lead instead? Is that a cat? These questions plague me every time I see a dog in a pouch on the crook of an arm. I just don't understand. If your dog is too small to walk around on a lead, I'm pretty sure it would be more than happy to hang out at home with a bowl of biscuits and a chew toy.
Paris Hilton seen early last year, still carries her pets in bags. Photo / Getty Images
7: At home bikini waxing kits
For the love of beauticians everywhere, contorting your body on the bathroom floor with a wooden spatula and a pot full of hot wax is never going to give you a good Brazilian wax. Wax strips might be okay for a pre-beach quicky involving a few random strays, but no one can get you as smooth as a baby's bottom quite like a professional. Embarrassed about lying starkers on a table in front of a stranger? Guess what? Yours isn't the first hoo-ha they've laid eyes on, trust me.
8: Toe rings
Feet are gross. They're hairy, they're rough, they're never washed as often as hands and quite honestly, they're just plain ugly. So why would you want to draw attention to them by jazzing your toes up with jewellery?
Why would you draw attention to your toes with jewellery? Photo / 123RF
9: A push scooter
Fold-up push scooters fall into the same category as cross-body backpacks and wrap-around sunglasses. They're just not necessary. Can't afford a bike? Use your legs. Legs too slow? Catch the bus and donate your zippy little scooter to the seven-year-old girl across the street.
10: Pigtails
Yes technically not a thing you own, but it's definitely worth mentioning that once you get past the age of 10, pigtails are no longer an acceptable hairstyle. Sure, Britney Spears wore pigtails in Hit Me Baby One More Time, but if you're modeling your life off of Ms Spears then I'm afraid I'm not qualified to assist you any further. Dressing up as Brit for a costume party? You rock those twin ponytails, girl. But leave them at the party, along with your lollipop, knee-high socks and "sexy" suspenders.
Left: Britney Spears wearing pigtails in 1999. Right: Zooey Deschanel. Photos / Getty
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