Survivor: All Stars waiting for the Terminator

By MICHELE HEWITSON

It can safely be said, without fear of exaggeration, that with Survivor: All Stars, the Survivor series has surpassed all expectations.

Actually, I thought TV3 had sent the wrong tape: a spoof of Apocalypse Now, perhaps, or a behind-the-scenes doco about the making of the new Arnie Schwarzenegger film.

Which, now I come to think of it, is the only ingredient that could make Survivor: All Stars any more compelling: the inclusion of the Governor of California.

All Stars - featuring a collection of winners and losers from previous Survivors, which means people with grudges and long-nursed animosities - opens with military helicopters.

There are armed soldiers hanging from said choppers. There are navy boats with armed soldiers. There is a voiceover, in Spanish with subtitles, which had me howling with laughter. I was laughing so loudly I had to rewind the tape to make sure I heard right.

"Inform Group 1 airspace is closed and waterway is secure." And, "Group 2 escort is en route. Proceed with caution." You can see the reason for the viewing confusion.

Then there's host "Pretty boy [Jeff] Probst", as a player will later call him, hanging from a helicopter.

We are off the coast of Panama, Probst tells us (amazing how clearly you can hear him over the chopper) and "in order to ensure top security, under full military escort, air space has been shut down, waterways have been cleared".

At which point you can only think: Bring it on. This is the way the players tend to talk so it's nice to get into the swing of things early.

Proceed with caution indeed. Thanks for the warning.

Because all the nasties are back. They're all ghastly in their own little ways: the whingers, the tough guys, the tough girls and the girls in their bikinis. Strategists, one and all. Says Rob: "Amber and I have an alliance for obvious reasons. She's beautiful."

Some of us might remember Sue, the former Navy Seal who ate pretty girls in bikinis for breakfast (bad strategy). She drinks the contaminated well water because, "I've drunk enough beaver poop in my life that my body can handle it".

And then there is Richard. Richard takes his pants off at every opportunity, so if he makes it through to the end the entire series will be accompanied by fuzzy bits where Richard's private bits should be.

His tribe should be awarded automatic immunity from every challenge because that view puts you off concentrating on those silly games.

The really shocking thing about Richard's bid to turn Survivor into a nudist colony, says one of his male tribe members next week, "is that the rest of us are becoming used to it. We've got an overweight gay naked man wading around and no one seems to let it bother them."

We will see about that. My bet is on the naked guy getting voted off faster than he can get those pants off.

Because, really, even Survivor has standards. You can knife everyone else in the back and whinge and lie. But being a fat naked guy is really, really not on.