Stoptober - Diary of a Quitter: Day 5

Matthew Backhouse smokes his last cigarette before starting Stoptober. Photo / Nick Reed

Journalist Matthew Backhouse chronicles his efforts to quit smoking for Stoptober in a daily diary.

It finally happened. I didn't just snap. I totally lost it.

I know moodiness and irritability go hand in hand with quitting. It's such a well-known phenomenon that a number of my colleagues have either joked about avoiding me, or gently tried to get a rise out of me. But for the first few days, it didn't happen. I surprised myself with how unnaturally serene and level-headed I've been.

But it had to happen eventually - and it happened spectacularly. I was lying in bed on a lazy Sunday morning, content to do nothing. But my partner had other plans for the day, and they didn't involve moping about. She told me as much, bluntly - and what got to me was when she said quitting wasn't an excuse to do nothing.

Read yesterday's entry here.

It was a perfectly reasonable sentiment. She was right. But at the time, trying as hard as I could not to think about smoking, it totally p***ed me off. I suddenly turned into a moody, awful teenager. I yelled, "You don't know what you're talking about!" I leaped out of bed, stormed down the hall and slammed the bathroom door. I had to distract myself from the irrational ire boiling inside of me, so I decided to shave. I shaved so furiously that I'm surprised there's any skin left on my face.

I calmed down after a shower. We both said sorry. And we ended up having a lovely afternoon together with our son. Good food, a Sunday drive and a walk on the beach helped.

I guess I'm not so serene, after all. The sudden rage surprised me. It was like I was possessed. I feel ashamed that I even behaved like that.

But now that I know it can happen to me, too, maybe I can control it a little better.

Maybe a deep breath - and a simple "whatever" - would work better next time.

To take part in Stoptober, visit www.stoptober.nz

For help quitting, visit Quitline at www.quit.org.nz or phone 0800 778 778