Steve Braunias: The secret horoscopes 2024, part 1

OPINION

CAPRICORN (December 23-January 20)

He manako te kōura i kore ai: “Wishing for the crayfish won’t bring it.” If you look before you leap, you won’t leap. Just leap. What doesn’t kill you will make you more extreme in your political views. How many people did the vaccine kill? The truth is out there, and so is your soulmate. You will know them the second you see them: fair to say they will stand out in a crowd. Avoid carbohydrates, the colour green, and Australia.

AQUARIUS (January 21-February 19)

He iti hau marangai e tū te pāhokahoka: “Just like a rainbow after the storm, success follows failure.” You can expect financial stability and profits in 2024. There will be a comfortable lifestyle with all material comforts. In the middle of the year, minor problems like body aches or headaches may bother you a bit, and major problems like tumours and dementia may bother you a lot. Try to relax. Remember: life is maya, the powerful force that creates the cosmic illusion that the world is real.

PISCES (February 20-March 20)

Mā te huruhuru ka rere te manu: “Adorn the bird with feathers so it may soar.” You are the bird. Fly towards the sun. It’s not true what they say about Icarus: he got there, and everything worked out fine. Study hard. Due diligence illuminates the shining path. A new interest in spiritual values will calm your anxieties. The word “cult” has bad connotations but try to remain open. Give to the poor, but invest with the rich. They know what they’re doing.

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ARIES (March 21-April 20)

Whaowhia te kete mātauranga: “Fill the basket of knowledge.” To gather information is to carry out surveillance. Watch your back, and take careful notes of your surroundings. Pick up calls marked NO CALLER ID. It’s probably just the police. Gambling has its virtues. Bet your life on a principle. If you are single, you may enjoy the company of someone polyamorous. Three’s company, four’s a bit much. Bathe often, and see your family doctor.

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TAURUS (April 21-May 21)

Kei ōu ringaringa te ao: “The world is yours.” 2024 is spelled P-R-O-G-R-E-S-S. Lucky in love, wise in finance, ducks in a row – you will sail the seven seas and not even get your feet wet. Bestow gifts on those less fortunate. To give is to know God. A serious illness will have its funny side but not everyone will see the joke, including you. Lighten up! One of your best friends is a snake in the grass. Beat the grass with a stick.

GEMINI (May 22-June 21)

Nā to rourou, nā taku rourou, ka ora ai te iwi: “With your food basket and my food basket. the people will thrive.” Join forces, unite, cohabit – two’s company, three’s even better. Cling on to the frayed edges of your career by your fingernails. If you hold on long enough, you’ll keep earning until you’re eligible for the pension. Exercise is vital. Work out every morning, and engage the services of a personal trainer. No one ever loved you for your mind. Eat nuts; they’re good for your sinuses.