Steve Braunias: The secret diary of ... the Royal Engagement

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle during an official photocall to announce the engagement. Photo / WireImage

DAVE WITHEROW

I wish Prince Harry and Meghan Markle every happiness, but what I want to add about the royal engagement is that I hope the government can send an official message of congratulations without adding a few token words in te reo.

Or, worse, relaying the entire message in Maori, even though it's a language spoken only by 17 people, mostly white liberals in the North Island.

But you can just imagine Jacinda Ardern instructing government broadcaster Guyon Espiner to record the message in te reo, and playing it on Morning Report.

It would be the logical conclusion of many years of political interfering with the state broadcaster. First they came for National Radio. Don't be surprised if they come for the Concert Programme. Maori flutes where once Mozart and Beethoven reigned supreme.

Well, that's our fate to suffer as New Zealanders. It's the price we have to pay for living in these beautiful islands.

But can we just leave the royals out of it?

The last thing Prince Harry wants to hear is someone babbling on and on to him in a language that he doesn't understand.

He would have every right to say, "Excuse me, but how about you speak the Queen's English?"

And the last thing his bride-to-be Meghan Markle needs is representation from a coloured minority.

SIR BILL GALLAGHER

I wish Prince Harry and Meghan Markle every happiness, but the thing that strikes me about the royal engagement is that it provides an opportunity to thank the British for coming here and saving New Zealand from a state of constant war, cannibalism, slavery, and an absence of good, strong perimeter fencing.

The Gallagher Group is proud to have brought good, strong perimeter fencing to New Zealand.

It's made this country great.

You always know where you stand with good, strong perimeter fencing — but of course there are always a few Maori hot-heads who want to trample over the fences, and go on and on about bloody reparations.

I would like to add that I don't feel well, and want to lie down.

GOLRIZ GHAHRAMAN

I wish Prince Harry and Meghan Markle every happiness. I think that's a given. Anyone who has taken the time to read my resume, and check out my Wikipedia page, will see that I'm a very caring person, a model of excellence, someone of high moral stature.

I remember the first time I met Green co-leader James Shaw. He said, "Tell me a little bit about yourself."

I said, "Well, as you'll see highlighted in my CV, I prosecuted war criminals."

He said, "I think that's absolutely marvellous. Say no more!"

In other words he shut down that conversation. And that's a shame, because I was about to say to him, "No, wait, hang on, what I meant to say is that I defended war criminals."

So I can see that there might be a bit of confusion surrounding the issue. But it's all good, because it's led to this conversation about the royal engagement, and I certainly would not refuse Prince Harry and Meghan Markle if they wanted me to pose with them for a selfie.

JOHN KEY

At the end of the day the news of the royal engagement is the sort of thing that makes everybody forget their troubles, and so when I was asked this week about a newspaper investigation into things I might have said about a spy programme a long time ago, then really the only sensible response is to say, look, let's all just move on, and take the time to wish Prince Harry and Meghan Markle every happiness.

DONALD TRUMP

Well, Prince Harry seems to have done very well for himself. I wish him and his bride-to-be Jacinda Ardern every happiness.