Have you ever found yourself three months down the relationship track with someone, only to discover they enjoy going on hikes for fun? Okay good, because same.
Because more and more people claim the world is ending and, equally concerning, our looks are fading by the day - I've compiled a helpful compatibility checklist of what to absolutely cover off on a first date - so as not to waste anyone's precious time.
I don't mean cats versus dogs, I'm talking about the things that really matter - like what meal subscription service will you eventually sign up to once you've each exhausted the two meals you know how to cook? (I'm never the "you" who cooks in this scenario by the way, I live off crackers, remember?)
1. Do they watch movies or films?
No, they're not the same thing, trust me. After a decade of dating I have realised that I am a basic b**ch Movie Watcher who unfortunately attracts incredibly self-aware, pseudo-hipster Film Watchers.
I can't tell you the number of times I've plonked down on the couch to watch the latest Noah Cetineo rom-com, only to have my horrified plus one insist we watch something Wes Anderson-y or Tarantino-y or something with subtitles.
Guess what boys? Quentin Tarantino is a misogynist and I don't want to go to the Film Festival because they don't even have Frozen Coke.
2. How do they spend their long weekends?
I truly can't stress this enough. It's imperative you establish how someone spends their long weekends within the first minute of meeting them.
Do they leap out of bed at 8am (obscene) to run a 5k with their family? Flee immediately.
3. And what about children?
Obviously, you all know to ask if someone wants kids or not straight off the bat, but that could all count for nothing when you find out they have hideous taste in baby names.
Are they the kind of sicko who would swap out vowels for "y's", à la Rowyn, Austyn and Jasmyn? Thank you, nyxt.
4. Are they an "Astrology Person"?
Are they a normal adult or will they absolve themselves of any personal responsibility for their actions, claiming Mercury is in retrograde?
5. And - most importantly - can they work a phone?
Might I suggest asking them to take a Quick Candid Pic of you on the first date, saving you both an immense amount of pain and suffering?
Otherwise, at Coachella 2020 you will realise for the first time that they have no understanding of your angles, you"ll end up looking like the Poot Lovato meme in every photo and you'll have no choice but to call it quits.