It’s not unusual to seek a romantic partner who fulfils more than the role of spouse, co-parent or lover, said Alexandra Solomon, a clinical psychologist and host of the Reimagining Love podcast.
“We want somebody who sees us and gets us,” Solomon said. “Well, that’s the same darn thing we want in our friendships. We really are craving that same sense of affinity and admiration.”
But is it unreasonable to expect your bedmate to be your best friend, or is it the highest form of intimacy?
A spouse’s ever-changing role
Jennifer Santiago, 42, and her husband are best friends.
The couple, who began dating in high school, have broken up briefly over the years, taking time apart to get to know themselves and what they want out of life. But their underlying friendship brought them back together every time, said Santiago, who lives in Orlando.
“There was always an empty void when we took a break,” she said. They realised: “Wow, we really, truly do everything together!”.
Historically, that is a relatively new approach to romantic relationships, said Eli J. Finkel, a social psychologist and the author of The All-Or-Nothing Marriage: How the Best Marriages Work.
Until the mid-1800s, marriage mostly revolved around ensuring partners had their basic needs (like food and shelter) met – what Finkel calls the “pragmatic era”. Between 1850 and 1965, marriage entered the “love-based era” – in which the primary relationship functions were about love and companionship, he said. Since then, we have been in the “self-expressive” era – in which marriage is about not only love, but also personal growth.
“The marital relationship has taken on more and more responsibility for our social and psychological needs,” Finkel said.
Until the 1800s, marriage was mainly about survival, not love or friendship. Photo / 123RF
How to set realistic expectations
Is it a good or bad thing that many people now expect their romantic relationships to fulfil so many roles in their lives? Ultimately, that depends on “whether your relationship can deliver,” said Finkel, who is also a co-host of the Love Factually podcast.
He feels “delighted” for people who say they want their romantic partners to also be their best friends. But he suggests they consider: Are there other expectations they can let go of? For instance, he said, it is a lot to expect your partner to be the co-chief executive of the household, to split child care, to be your exclusive sexual companion and to be your best friend.
“I don’t want to sound like a scold,” Finkel said. “I just want people to be aware that every additional expectation that you’re throwing on top of your relationship comes with opportunity for enhanced closeness – and it comes with additional risk that the relationship will buckle under the weight of those expectations.”
He suggested releasing some of that pressure. Can you lean on other friends for emotional support? Are you OK being emotionally close to your partner, but not necessarily having the spiciest intimate life together?
Some people find deep emotional support from friends outside their marriage. Photo / 123RF
Solomon believes that friendship, particularly best friendship, is not a requisite for long-term intimacy. But it doesn’t hurt either, she said.
Liking your partner – which she described as admiring them, finding them funny, caring about their worldview, and having fun simply being together – can “cushion” the other relationship challenges a couple might face, she said.
But Solomon admitted that while she adores her husband of 26 years, he is not her best friend. “My best friend’s name is Ali, and she lives in Seattle,” she said. “She’s been in that spot since we were 10 years old.”
Ultimately, maintaining a tight romantic bond may come down to managing expectations and clearly discussing them, said Adam Fisher, president of the American Psychological Association’s division for couple and family psychology.
Fisher had a mentor who described marriage and relationships as best friendship plus sex. While he thinks that is one “very viable” approach to a relationship, he said, it is by no means the only one.
“Couples need some kind of ‘glue’ – commitment, shared values, sex, finances – something,” he said, but it doesn’t need to be friendship.
Lopez is opting out of the bedmate-as-BFF paradigm.
“I think we put so many expectations and responsibilities on our partners,” she said. “I’m not here to be everything and all things to you.”
A strong friendship between partners can help cushion relationship challenges. Photo / 123rf
