Shelley Bridgeman: Why your Christmas newsletter sucks

If your year has been less than perfect, reading such a missive is guaranteed to bring out your inner "Bah Humbug". Photo / iStock

The rise of social media may have theoretically diminished the volume of Christmas 'round robin' newsletters but they still make appearances in our letterboxes.

In fact, as they become more sporadic, they almost become more interesting, more worthy of examination. Such newsletters might be emailed; more traditionally, a hard copy is tucked inside a Christmas card.

Typically, they detail the activities of the family concerned for the past 12 months. It catalogues promotions, school prizes, sporting achievements, home renovations and overseas holidays.

If your year has been less than perfect, reading such a missive is guaranteed to bring out your inner "Bah Humbug".

Here are six reasons these newsletters should be banned.

1. The tone

The tone is deliberately light and cheerful. These people might like showing off but they don't want to give the impression they take themselves too seriously. The sentences are peppered with perky comments in brackets. There are always way more exclamation marks than is seemly. But no amount of chatty faux friendliness or unnecessary punctuation can disguise the sense of superiority inherent within these newsletters.

2. The content

The sender might consider that these newsletters are simply about "keeping in touch" but most people believe they have a more sinister side. The writers of round robin newsletters have been variously called boastful, elitist, narcissistic, self-obsessed and smug.

News flash: most of us are not overly interested in being regaled about your gifted children, sparkling careers or fancy renovations.

3. The underlying message

You might have been feeling good about life but these skite sheets can make you feel that you really should have tried harder. Just as you realise your own family is far from perfect, round robin newsletters somehow frame life as one continuous competition: "Toby's boss finally saw sense and gave him that promotion (yaaay!!!!). The only problem now is what to do with all the extra money. We've already had a new kitchen (designer Italian!!) installed and we're not due for another trip to Denarau (Bula!) for a while so we need to get our thinking caps on. Talking of thinking, Sebastian came top of his year and won a scholarship to some university in Boston, can't remember its name (just joking; it's Harvard!!!!!)".

4. The exclusion of bad news

Divorce, destitution, disappointments, failure and family squabbles seldom feature in these newsletters. You won't read: "It's been tough since we both lost our jobs. We're living in a caravan park and money is tight so we're planning on having Christmas lunch at the City Mission this year. Our fingers are crossed for a more prosperous 2016."

You won't read: "I specifically told my husband to never chase a housemaid through a hotel corridor wearing only his boxer shorts (him not the housemaid!!) but he didn't listen to me (never does!!!) so he's in court in January to face those charges."

You won't read: "Arabella's nits (gosh, they're tricky things to kill!!) had cleared up by term two but then she was suspended for cyber-bullying (should never have bought her that iPhone!!!) her classmates again."

You won't read: "I've kicked my alcohol dependency (saving a fortune on Mumm and Piper!!!) but now I'm on antidepressants (who isn't, right!?) and the highlight of my day is watching Shannon and Tamra (what are they like!?!) on the Real Housewives of Orange County."

5. The asymmetry

The subtext of these Christmas newsletters is not appealing. They're essentially saying: "We are fabulous. Please read about our success and prosperity. You, however, are merely one of many. You are deserving only of mass-produced communication this festive season. Consider yourself lucky to even be on our list." They might make the sender feel good, but they're likely to make the recipient feel deflated.

6. The audience

If these newsletters are intended to update people on a full 12 months' worth of family activities then, by definition, they are not designed for close friends or family members.

If you receive a round robin newsletter, then you are considered to be only remotely associated with the family concerned. You must be a distant relation, lapsed friend, ex-neighbour or casual acquaintance.

The truth is that Christmas newsletters (aka the junk mail of the festive season) are usually reserved for people who don't matter much - which makes the "aspirational" nature of their content all the more cringeworthy.

- nzherald.co.nz