Shelley Bridgeman: What's all the froth over coffee?

Kiwis love their coffee, but Shelley Bridgeman doesn't understand what all the fuss is about. Photo / Thinkstock

New Zealand's coffee culture is booming. Our tourism website waxes lyrical about "connoisseurs" who enjoy their "daily caffeine fix" and tells of "new cafes and coffee roasting outlets springing up all over the country".

It defines some coffee terms such as cortado and macchiato - and omits to mention that "flat white" and "short black" could be interpreted as racial slurs in some parts of the world. Evidently, "New Zealand has more roasters per capita than anywhere in the world" and "[c]offee-making is ... very competitive, with baristas vying to make the perfect cup of coffee and coffee drinkers becoming very selective in their choice".

As reported in NZ's top barista named, contenders for the title of best coffee maker "had to create perfect espressos and cappuccinos, as well as four signature drinks to highlight their skill and imagination". In light of such unbridled worshipping at the altar of coffee, it would be churlish for someone to confess to not being a fan of this particular beverage.

Such an admission would surely reveal a deep lack of sophistication, a certain plebeian nature and all-round inability to get with the programme. So allow me to be the first to say it: I don't drink coffee, I don't like coffee and I don't understand the fascination with this bitter concoction.

A nasty experience with instant coffee 20-odd years ago curtailed my enthusiasm. Each morning at work I was in the habit of guzzling back-to-back black coffees for a couple of hours. One morning, after goodness knows how many mugs of instant, I spun out with heart palpitations, a spaced-out feeling and sense of impending doom. Certain it was due to elevated caffeine levels, I have been a decaf person ever since.

If forced I'll order a decaf skinny mochaccino so that I don't seem like a visitor from another planet. "Why do you even bother?" friends mutter under their breath. "What was it you wanted?" they'll turn to ask me at the counter, probably to divorce themselves from this especially unstylish brew.

My antipathy towards coffee doesn't stop me occasionally longing for a coffee machine. Of course, it would have to be a Nespresso - as advertised by George Clooney. I sometimes get as far as deciding which model would best suit my kitchen before I remember I don't even drink proper coffee.

My refreshment of choice is a nice cup of regular tea. (I also like green tea but I don't relish paying $3.50 for a teabag and a vessel of steaming water in a cafe.) Most cafes I visit around Auckland think that standard tea is English Breakfast which has far too delicate a flavour for my liking. It's increasingly difficult to find establishments that serve plain old gumboot tea.

In short, this is my preferred brew: real tea (preferably Bell), served fairly strong with milk (preferably trim). I like it made with a teabag in a cup (not a mug) and, crucially, the milk must go in before the water, otherwise it tastes horrible. Yes, I can tell the difference. (And, for the record, the caffeine levels in tea do not seem to cause me problems.)

Do you embrace our local coffee culture? If so, what is your favourite brew? Or are you more of a tea person? Should the milk go in first or last? Are teabags okay or awful?