KEY POINTS:
"You never listen to anything I say."
"Yes, I do."
"No, you don't."
Nothing unusual about this sort of exchange, you might think. And a recent online survey of more than 1500 people would agree.
"Even in the happiest, longest lasting of relationships, couples disagree," says Hilary Smith
of Relationship Services.
"We were not surprised that the survey found a difference between men and women around communication."
More men perceive that women nag or keep on, and more women perceive that men don't listen. Four out of 10 women cited "Doesn't listen" as an issue, versus three out of 10 men. In contrast, three out of 10 men cite "nagging/keeping on", versus two out of 10 women. And while revenge looks good in the movies, and the idea of it might be sweet, most people know it doesn't work. Only 1.7 per cent of people surveyed said they did something to get their own back, and 70 per cent of them rated it as ineffective.
The good news is that people get better at handling their differences over time. Those in newer relationships (3-7 years) had higher levels of recurring disagreements than those in longer relationships (over 21 years).
Disappointingly, the survey did not reveal whether not listening was a strategy in handling disagreement in long-term relationships. ("Whatever".)
The survey did find that parenting is hard on a relationship. The common causes of these disputes included money, housework, work and time pressures. And extended family is another cause of increased conflict ("Well, she's your mother".) Not surprisingly, money is the cause of many domestic disputes, the survey found.
And apparently income levels are irrelevant when it comes down to it. "Couples' differing values and priorities are highlighted when it comes down to how the money is spent," said Ms Smith.
When couples were asked how they dealt with arguments, the most common responses included things like continuing talking to the partner, putting issues in perspective, and apologising.
"These couples are placing more of a priority on how they treat each other than 'winning' the argument."
Treating each other with respect is the key, then. Even if you think your partner isn't listening.
Word on the street
We sent Imogen Neale onto the streets of Auckland to see what people thought about the results of the online survey.
Do guys listen and women nag?
Fraser: "I definitely don't listen."
Dave: "My wife doesn't listen to me."
Chris: "I think my wife probably listens too much."
John: "I wouldn't call it nagging - more verbal persuasion or female persuasion."
Ollie: "Yeah but they usually have something to nag about - it's usually pretty justified."
Katie: "I think the nagging and the not listening thing goes hand in hand. I think you begin to nag about the not listening thing and then it becomes this vicious cycle."
Natasha: "Yeah, I'd say we nag... with my husband I find if I yell he doesn't listen. If I sit down and talk then he listens."
Tania: "I'd probably agree with that, I mean I don't."
Alicia: "I guess people don't really communicate enough in relationships. I think that's the main kind of problem. I guess it works both ways and I've been in relationships where it has been the other way around... I guess with the way communication has changed with text messaging and email people don't really take time to sit around and chat face to face about things."
The more time in a relationship the less disagreements?
Natasha: "Before I got married it was kind of like we'd try not to disagree but once you're married you think 'oh well, we're in the relationship now, I'll just go for it'. Not saying that I love having an argument but I think you know that later on you will just make up."
Tania: "It's get worse. I've been married three times, engaged twice, so yeah, I know."
Katie: "I think you become more tolerant of people's needs... but I don't know that it becomes easier."
Common disagreements?
Natasha: "Maybe at the supermarket, with prices going up so much and he still wants to get flash stuff."
Ollie: "Pretty much everything."
Katie: "Time. Time spent and time not spent. And the emotional needy thing."
Alicia: "We worked different hours and I'd always be doing the cooking and the cleaning and I guess that was always the point of disagreement."
John: "Not money because I give it all to her."
Julian: "Day to day chores."
Fraser: "It's always the same argument - money. 'Stop spending my money', 'don't spend any money'."
