Unfortunately, society has conditioned us to feel like this word is taboo, but it’s also made us feel that women — especially mothers — shouldn’t make sexual self-love a regular part of their lives or even talk about wanting to. But here’s the thing: you were a sexual being before motherhood (that’s what got you into this fantastic pickle, assuming medical science wasn’t involved) and you’re still a sexual being now. There’s no shame in exploring and satisfying that part of your identity.
I bought a vibrator for my mum a couple of Mother’s Days ago, (yes sex toys are all my friends and family get as gifts). I never asked for a report on how it was for her but last week as she was reviewing the latest episode of my podcast, she said, “You are the first person I have ever heard say that masturbation is okay and natural, and that has truly been so freeing.” She had tears in her eyes.
As we collectively progress and women begin to experiment more with their bodies, you can see how it’s important to leave guilt and shame behind, and understand that self-pleasure is one of the most natural things we can experience.
What I hear from my mother clients who are desiring to get reconnected to their sexual side is that it can feel impossible to find the time, privacy, or even desire to masturbate. This is even harder as a single parent, but it’s never out of the question. For most of my clients, the problem isn’t about having the time; it’s about allowing themselves to have the time.
Those minutes are there, and they’re most often before bed. This is probably your best shot at privacy when your little ones are in bed. Or you might be able to find some time in the shower (lucky you, if you have a detachable shower head). There might be time for a quickie when the kids are at school, on a playdate, or even during your lunch break if you work remotely.
The other big block? “I’m just so touched out.” I really hear you, so this is where a reframe is useful. Instead of seeing masturbation as a taking touch from yourself or even someone else. Can we see it through the lens as a giving touch? A “filling up your
own cup” type of vibe. Orgasmic energy in essence is life force energy so in theory we should feel more energised and alive afterwards.
If you need some more encouragement, the benefits of self-pleasure include better sleep, stress relief and pelvic floor health, because at the moment of orgasm the pelvic floor contracts, releasing and flushing oxygen and blood to the area. It can lessen menstrual cramps and ease muscle tension. It also helps to boost your sex drive because you remember how good pleasure feels and your body wants more. By prioritising yourself, the more you have to give your family.
Masturbation puts you in touch with your sexuality. Whether you’re seeing someone, or have no interest in partnered sex at all, it helps you to understand your body and what makes you feel good. This leads to more satisfying orgasms for both partnered and solo sex.
On Mother’s Day this year I will be self-pleasuring. I’m not yet a mother, but I am a mother-in-waiting. I have a deep heart yearning to create life inside me and have the mother journey. At this point in my life, I haven’t found the person I want to do that stage of life with, so my heart is tender about that. Like so many others that long to hold a baby in their arms, I know this can be a tough time and what I would say is that self-love can be so healing for this longing, a longing that can be felt on a cellular level. The way I will touch myself for healing is slow and sweet. Acknowledging the yearning and the hope.
Self-pleasure is another way to care for our minds and bodies, as it is ultimately a practice of self-care. Would you question looking after your wellbeing through nutrition, exercising, or having a relaxing bubble bath? Masturbation is a natural, common, pleasure-filled - and don’t forget free (if you’re just recruiting your fingers for the job) - activity.
It’s time to start believing that acts of self-care can, and should, be sexual, too.
Morgan Penn’s new Sex.Life podcast is available now. Listen on iHeartRadio or wherever you listen to your favourite podcasts.
