Dating apps aren't just for the younger generation. Photo / 123RF
Tina Pemberton had not been on a date since her 20s. Now, she enters the exciting (and occasionally problematic) world of meeting new men.
Over the last few years, I’ve been on dating apps every day. On my favourite, Bumble, women choose the men. I like that because you don’t get bombarded, and if you decide you don’t want to answer any more, there’s nothing they can do. But when you’re swiping as much as I do, sometimes your finger goes the wrong way – I’ll swipe right and think “oh no!”
I began my dating journey during Covid. I spent most days in the garden of the London flats where I live with my son and became friendly with a neighbour who was constantly on the apps. She encouraged me to put up a profile and I thought, “why not?”
I was married for over 30 years, and at first, I had no idea what to say to these men. It was all so alien to me – the abbreviations, the lingo. I hadn’t dated since my 20s! I tend to be quite a talkative person, so I’m not good at writing one-liners – if they asked me a question, they’d get an essay. Most of the men were quite monosyllabic online, plus the ghosting was a surprise! I could be chatting to someone for a week, then they’d disappear with no explanation.
I’ve never lied about my age, but I’m a “young” 70. It’s not that I don’t look it, more my attitude to life – open and optimistic. Whereas men my age can become so crusty and grumpy, they could be my grandfather. I’ll swipe the ones who seem interesting, then speak to them on the phone – there’s no point chatting online for weeks. If they live close enough, they’ll often say, “why don’t we just meet?” and that’s ideal, because that’s how you really find out if there’s an attraction or a friendship that might grow.
I don’t need to get married, or even live with someone. It would just be lovely to find a soulmate, someone who really gets me, but it’s hard to find that in someone who’s attractive, too. Frankly, a lot of them look like murderers.
Having said that, if they’ve made the effort to write interestingly about themselves or they’re funny, it’s still worth meeting them. The best-looking can be dull as ditchwater.
I went on one date with a handsome American. We got on so well on the phone and he invited me for an expensive dinner. But when we sat down, he behaved as though I was applying for a job. He even asked me what my “five-year plan” was! I told him, “I’m 70, I don’t need one”.
I wanted him to taste my food and accidentally dropped a scallop on his expensive trousers, too. He didn’t ask to see me again.
Another man asked me out for dinner and started telling me about his bowel problems. You really mustn’t do that when you’re on a date, no matter how old you are. Young people don’t go out to talk about their constipation, and nor should we. It put me right off.
I’m also careful not to be too emotionally revealing. In the early days, if you talk to a complete stranger on the phone, it can be like talking to a therapist.
You end up telling them your life story, then when you meet up, you’ve nothing left to say. Over-sharing is very common, but I’d rather get to know them before I hear all about their ex-wife.
Sometimes, they’re narcissists. I met a guy who was in a rock band, he was very wealthy, good looking – but he was just so full of himself. Worst of all, he smelled. He was living in a luxury flat, but I wondered if he ever used the shower. We met for a drink and then he tried to kiss me – but he just didn’t do it for me. I said, “I think it’s time for me to go,” and he was immediately angry. I wasn’t scared, I just thought he was being ridiculous. It’s ludicrous that there are old men who still think they’re ‘bad boys’ out there, and they still play games.
Sometimes, though, there’s real chemistry. Younger people don’t realise that as an older woman, you still have all the same feelings, the butterflies, you still look forward to the first kiss. It doesn’t change. When you reach my age, these opportunities don’t come along often. Who’s going to judge me if I can go to bed with someone nice once a year? The key is not to have any great expectations of a relationship, and just enjoy it for what it is. Maybe you can’t get everything in one person, so why not have a friend with benefits? It’s important they’re respectful though. There was one man who was clearly hoping for a younger model but suggested we might “have a shag” anyway. I thought, “how rude! We will not.”
There’s also a big problem online with catfishing – people pretending to be someone else. They’re usually handsome doctors or pilots in uniform – American or Scandinavian, but they “live in the north,” so they can’t actually meet you. I was chatting to one good-looking man for two weeks – he said he was a Swedish plastic surgeon. Finally, we spoke on the phone and the faltering voice did not remotely match the big personality I’d expected. I speak several languages so I switched to Swedish, and he hung up.
Another date bought me a small drink, then said, “it’s your turn”. We’re not students – if someone asks me out, I do expect them to pay for the drinks or the dinner on the first date. If they’re not generous, it’s a red flag. I’m also wary of men who’ve never been married by this age – they usually don’t know how relationships work.
I always tell my son where I’m going, generally meet in daylight, near my home, and if I ever felt unsafe, I’d have no problem walking away. But most men are there for the same reasons I am; to find companionship, chemistry, someone to have a nice dinner with. I tend to swipe left on men who are vegan or teetotal – I love good food and drink, so I’m drawn to men who do, too.
I truly enjoy my dating life. I’ve had a lot of good conversations, and there are always new people popping up. I even started a TikTok, Tina Goes Dating, which now has lots of followers – older women say it makes them feel empowered to give it a go themselves.
My advice is to be open-minded, meet up with people, and give them a chance. Initially, I said I’d do this until I was 70, and if I hadn’t met the right man, I’d stop. Well, I’m now giving myself until I’m 80 – you never know who you’ll meet the next time!
As told to Flic Everett
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