I had never heard of someone speaking so openly about having these traits and when she touched on what it's like to date someone like herself I thought, now I just have to get her on the podcast and take a deep dive into that.
Because, let's be honest, many of us think we've dated a narcissist at some stage of our lives. I can think of one guy in particular who I thought had very strong red flags indicating he may very well be one, but how do we ever really know?
I was excited yet nervous when I reached out via Instagram and invited her to come into the podcast studio for a chat. When someone is deemed a "sociopath" we tend to steer clear, and many psychiatrists warn us to stay right out of the way of narcissists, and yet here I was, inviting Kanika in for a face-to-face chat.
I didn't want to say anything that upset her, yet I wanted to really find out what it was like to have such a condition, and what I discovered was … well … mind-blowing.
Firstly, she was articulate and very open about her condition. She explained that her father's side of the family had very strong narcissistic traits, yet her mum was quite the empath.
She went into great detail about her diagnosis, including admitting that her anti-social behaviours were just one point lower than Ted Bundy's on a psych test.
Kanika also explained that you don't either "have" or "not have'" narcissistic traits, like any characteristic, it exists on a spectrum. We all fall somewhere along the narcissism continuum. With CEO's, surgeons, politicians, lawyers and actors, tending to fall higher on the scale. Obviously not all of them, but you've got to admit it's pretty darn fascinating!
She is petite and quite beautiful, so I can understand why guys would want to date her, but what is it like to break up with someone who has been diagnosed with high narcissism traits?
Kanika explained that unlike most people who will cry for a few days and then get on with their lives, narcissists will make your life hell. The wound to their ego and pride goes so deep that they will find ways to destroy you. Whether that be by finding a way to make you lose your job or destroying your family. They can be very dangerous.
I admired how honest she was, but also found this frightening. It made me think about all those stories we see constantly in the news. Whether it be an ex stalking their former partner, or destroying their car, or harassing their ex's new partner. If you take a proper look around, these stories are everywhere in the news.
Thankfully Kanika explained that while she knows she possesses reactions that are quite extreme, she goes to regular therapy to help her learn how to not act on them.
She also explained, however, that true narcissists are not diagnosed willingly. They tend to be diagnosed because of court orders, enforced mental assessments, or if they are looking at serious jail time. So many are still out in the wild.
So how do we avoid finding ourselves in a scary situation with someone who turns out to be a narcissist? Because as Kanika openly explained, they can be very charming at the start.
Well, we must go into the dating game with our eyes wide open. Here are just some traits to look out for when trying to avoid dating a narcissist.
1. Keep an eye on how your date treats others. Are they only friends with people who can help them in some way, or do they have genuine friends?
2. Don't rush down the aisle. Heck, we've all been swept up in a whirlwind romance, but how well do you really know someone in the first few months of dating?
3. Watch how they react when you're upset. Do they comfort you or get annoyed? Narcissists lack empathy and this can only be faked for so long.
So, should you find yourself falling for one, be armed with the knowledge of knowing what could be in store for you and make sure you keep yourself safe. Thanks to open and honest people like Kanika, we now know what to look out for.
• Jana Hocking is a podcaster and collector of kind-of-boyfriends
