Secrets to wedded bliss

Romance in real life is rarely as dramatic as it is on the silver screen. Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton in the 1962 film <i>Cleopatra</i>.

New Zealanders should get married earlier, partly to help prevent single women from being hurt and used by men when they're in their 20s.

That's the controversial advice from parenting and relationship gurus Ian and Mary Grant, who this week release their latest book aimed at couples to bring out their best in their marriage.

Ian Grant, 70, told the Herald on Sunday the present trend of couples working on their careers and buying a house before finally getting hitched may not be the best plan.

He recommends couples should rather get married earlier - between 20 and 28 - so they confront hurdles together.

Struggles help couples grow strong, he says.

Women, he says, spend too many years being "hurt" and "used" by men and should try to settle into marriage earlier.

He advises women not to let themselves be played; not do too much for blokes; make them "work to get them"; and not to take them to the bedroom too quickly - "if you're easy you will pay a big price".

If a man finds a woman desirable he will work hard to win her affection and perhaps commit earlier, Grant says.

He and his wife Mary - married for more than four decades and with three children and nine grandchildren - are renowned for running seminars nationwide on relationships and parenting and have penned a string of books on these topics.

Their latest book Growing Great Marriages: 100s of practical strategies for bringing out the best in your marriage is released this Friday.

They base their advice on international research, advice from professional counsellors and feedback from their seminars - they have lectured thousands of Kiwi couples over the years.

Grant has one piece of advice for the person holding out for the perfect partner: get real.

"People think the perfect person will arrive and romance us but that doesn't happen in reality," he says.

Grant says couples "marry people they love after about two years" and then "when that feeling fades, we must learn to love the person we marry".

He says people need to stick at marriages, too. Research has shown that couples who "hang in there" through rough periods are proven to be happier 10 years down the track compared with those who had divorced.

He says a "hidden ingredient" needed in marriages is romance, or else "people will do anything to get it".

"They will walk over the feelings of their kids and friends' advice to get that romantic love," he says.

Weekly dates could be a good way to stay connected.

"People argue it will cost them 40 bucks to do that, but I argue back that divorce will cost $400,000."

According to Statistics New Zealand, Kiwis are marrying later than in the past. In 2008, the median age at first marriage was 29.9 years for men and 28.2 years for women.

Nic Beets, an Auckland clinical psychologist from Couplework, who specialises in relationships and sex therapy, says it is possible to build a great relationship at any point in the life cycle - when you are ready to do the work.

This varies for different people.

He and his partner have been together since they were teenagers - they celebrate 30 years of marriage next month and he agrees there are rewards in growing together.

"If someone loves you warts and all, it's pretty sweet."

He says if this happens while people are in their 20s then that's great, but generally people need a level of maturity before getting married.

Grant says romantic love eventually becomes committed love, a mature love, he thinks even a better love, and if couples are really finding it tough they should seek not just help, but the right help.

"Don't see a reflective counsellor. You don't want someone going on about `how do you feel?' You want someone who gives solutions," he said.

* Growing Great Marriages will be released by Random House on Friday.