KEY POINTS:
You've probably been punished for parking in the wrong place before. You may have been fined for speeding. And if you're a really, really naughty boy, you could even have been seen smuggling some envelopes out of your office stationery cupboard yesterday.
But quite possibly the worst crime
you've committed recently, you've done so unknowingly. Yes, were talking about a style crime. Do you own Crocs? A T-shirt that says "I'm hot and horny"? Three-quarter length pants with a drawstring at the end? Dress sneakers? Or do you - shock, horror - wear your sunglasses on your head somewhere between your eyebrows and your hairline?
Well then you're a possible fashion criminal.
Once it was only women who were scolded by wardrobe Nazis about their sartorial slip-ups. But in recent times males have also, increasingly, been caught in the glare of the fashion police's spotlight. And as any judge will tell you, ignorance of the law is no excuse.
So how do you know if you're transgressing? After all fashion changes, trends whip by, and last year's wardrobe offence is probably next season's must-have. It's also intensely personal. And, yes we know, it is much easier - and probably slightly sexist - to make fun of men's style crimes.
So all we did to assist the average aesthetic miscreant with getting back on the path to righteousness was ask a few of the country's most stylish to come up with their personal dislikes. Read on. It might help. Then again you might just want to stick with your Woodstock T-shirts and your gumboots. After all, unlike other criminals, the only person you're really hurting with your fashion felony is yourself. Ouch.
Ana Macdonald, Viva's fashion editor:
Sweaters and other bulky items tucked into your trousers is always a revolting look. Don't really like those gauzy shirts with chest hair poking through either - back hair sticking through those shirts is even worse. And I am not keen on a lot of jewellery on men either and that includes gangsta bling. It's not our culture and it just seems ludicrous. Get away with your bad selves!
Chris Lorimer, stylist of fashion PR agency, Mint Condition:
Fashion trends come and go but for me there are just a few things that always a crime. Those Croc shoes. I don't care how comfortable they are. Ill-fitting jackets that are too short in the arms and either too tight or too big in the shoulder. And those food graphic chef pants out in the street when they belong behind kitchen doors.
Des Rusk, designer:
Novelty ties with cartoon characters on them. Or boxers or socks. And they usually come in a really gross satin too. Also, trousers that are too short.
Jae Mills, designer at Workshop Denim:
Dreadlocks on guys. And those tight necklaces that are almost chokers and they're usually made of beads that are four different colours, or else they're steel. Also not so keen on big chunky skate shoes with big pants. Boot-cut jeans on guys are also strange - although a lot of rugby players seem to wear them.
James Dobson, designer of Jimmy D range:
Fitted shirts tucked into jeans, with a western-inspired belt buckle and pointy ostrich skin shoes with squared-off ends. Not a big fan of that look. Guys also need to be really careful with elaborate washes on denim - worn out or bleached patches can be really dated. Huge double breasted leather jackets, like the sort that bouncers at nightclubs always seem to wear, are another fashion crime, a lot of guys seem to be holding on to these as their going-out jacket.
Karlya Smith, stylist:
Sports sandals and moustaches. I don't know why, I just find them a bit creepy. They give me the shivers and I've definitely had some relationship hiccups over those particular items.
Karen Inderbitzen-Waller, fashion stylist:
Those bum-covering leather jackets. It's such a typical Kiwi male jacket, it has a sort of 70s look. It's like they're trying to hide their bums when all it does it actually make their bums look bigger.
Karen Walker, designer of her own and the Swanndri menswear:
A friend told me he recently saw an older guy who not only had blond highlights but was also wearing a deconstructed jacket with a giant phosphorescent skull on the back. I wish I'd seen that. Or maybe not.
Come to think of it, any guy who sits in a salon with tinfoil all over his head is not to be trusted. Also, giant novelty jeans and curled-up-toe shoes topped off with novelty shirts is always unattractive. Plus novelty polo shirts - especially if you've got the collar turned up.
And 45-year-old men who dress up in street wear - that is, three-quarter length pants and silly T-shirts - always end up looking like giant 12--year-olds.
Murray Bevan of fashion PR agency, Showroom22:
My top two are these: First, the male Capri pant - that three-quarter length trouser you wear when you're thinking "it's getting warmer, I can almost wear shorts". And secondly, guys who wear their sunglasses on their foreheads when they're not on their eyes - they just put them on so they sit above their eyebrows but below their hairline. You'd be surprised how many guys do that. Don't ask me why. Oh, and I also dislike those pin-striped shirts with what looks like a bird shit print all over them.
Murray Crane, owner of Crane Brothers and Little Brother stores:
There are so many but I think the main one is dressing your age. Women talk about it but it applies equally to guys. When you're 20 you don't want to look like you're 40 and vice versa. But when you're in your 30s I think you want to be dressing properly, you want to have a suit and some leather shoes. When you're in your 40s you want a bespoke suit and some handmade shoes. But of course, all of that is in the ideal world according to Murray Crane.
Steve Dunstan of Huffer:
You can wear anything but you should wear it with confidence. You can't be sniffing about wearing socks with Birkenstocks because if you style it right, it looks cool. It sounds a little sissy but there are no wrongs or rights - if you've got confidence you can make anything look cool.
