Rugby star Ruby Tui: 'It's incredible how when you flip shame, it can turn into service, and really help other people.'

Ruby Tui has released her autobiography which details her difficult upbringing. Photo / Michael Craig

Black Ferns winger Ruby Tui is a powerhouse on the rugby field and she's part of the team that will be challenging for the Rugby World Cup this month. She has also just released her autobiography, Straight Up, which details a childhood marred by drugs and domestic violence. But, as she tells Penny Lewis, putting all her cards on the table and moving past shame and embarrassment has been empowering for her – and she hopes it will help others.

Ruby Tui is about to have one of the biggest days of her life. Next Saturday the Black Ferns winger will be playing against Australia at Eden Park on the first day of the Rugby World Cup 2021, delayed until now because of Covid-19. It's the first time New Zealand has hosted the tournament since its debut in Wales in 1991, the year Tui was born. "There's nothing quite like a Rugby World Cup at home for a rugby player. I'm really grateful," she says.

There's plenty of hard work ahead and Tui's not sure what direction her career will take after the RWC. "I like to give myself time to sit down after pinnacle events. I've definitely learned you can't make that decision until you're in the moment."

Now living in Pukekohe, she is "100 per cent" keen to start a family with her partner of three years Dani Fennessy, a former radio announcer who now hosts podcast Diaries of a Dyke. "It's cool there are two uteruses. We'll just choose whatever's more convenient," Tui says with her trademark laugh.

Ruby Tui (right) with partner Dani Fennessy. Photo / Supplied

Parenthood may still be in the future, but Tui can now add published author to her list of achievements, along with being a professional rugby player for a decade and a Sky Sport commentator and presenter. Her autobiography has just been released, and it reveals struggles even her close teammates didn't know about.

Called Straight Up, Tui's book looks back on her stellar rugby career, but it's also an intensely personal and painful story that shares some hard-earned life lessons.

Tui has loving relationships with both her parents, who separated when she was a pre-schooler, but as a child she endured traumatic experiences with each of them, "tall, skinny and white" mum Marion Mouat and her "short, stocky and brown" Samoan-born dad Vaki Tui.

Life with her mother, baby brother Dane and her mother's then-partner in a home marred by family violence was so bad Tui attempted suicide at 11 but did not tell anyone until years later. At the same age, a stint with her father in Wellington was a blur of alcohol and drugs. She watched one of his friends die from an overdose.

Tui tells Reset she had already done a "lot of work, mentally" on her trauma before writing Straight Up and knew she had to share it all. "If I want people to have a moment of reflection on their own lives, I've got to be straight up about everything. I can't tip-toe around anything. This legit happened to me and kind of makes me who I am – those dark, dark moments are actually a part of me."

"When I was writing the book it was like putting all my cards on the table – that's part of being straight up with yourself. Once you acknowledge those things that you have shame around or might be embarrassed about, and once you get past the first step of thinking people will judge you, it's empowering. The hardest bit was thinking 'oh man, my mum's going to read this'."

Mouat read a manuscript of Straight Up before the book was printed. "I was never going to put anything in there that she didn't want," Tui says. "We had many discussions about lots of things. I reckon it's brought us closer. Initially she was scared, but what happened in those dark times could really help someone else – how she got out. I just want people to be able to read it – it might give them hope. In the end mum was all for it and I think she was really proud, so that was cool."

"[The book is] not just about me or what happened to us, it's about acknowledging, accepting, and loving yourself through everything that's happened to you. It's incredible how when you flip shame, it can turn into service, and really help other people."

Tui says she used to put everyone else ahead of her own needs and never said no. "I've come to realise it's an innate trait of mine to not put me first. As a kid I thought I was a burden, but now I can recognise when I'm feeling like that, and I've got the tools around me to get out of it. I definitely want to say that journey didn't happen alone. I've got a psychologist, we get team psychologists and free access to counselling, so many tools, and my family have always been my best friends, so if anyone's thinking about being straight up with themselves, I would encourage them to explore ways [to get] help."

Tui's manager had suggested she write a book, and she'd been approached by publishing companies, but it wasn't until she visited a bookstore and saw no books about female rugby players that her mind was made up – she had to tell her story. "We're a rugby country, this is New Zealand. There was absolutely no doubt that I had to do this. I'll never forget that moment in the shop – that was the dealmaker. I was like 'I've got to do a book so when a young girl, a young Ruby, comes in [to a bookstore], she sees her face straight away, rather than the experience of men'."

Ruby Tui scores a try during the test match between the New Zealand Black Ferns and Japan at Eden Park on September 24. Photo / Getty

Sport was young Tui's escape from her difficult childhood and her natural talent and hard work saw her excel at everything she tried. Her first love was netball, but a move from Tākaka to a remote house 5km out of Canvastown in Marlborough at the behest of her mother's partner saw her enrol at Canvastown School. With a roll of only 26 pupils, rugby was the only sport on offer, so that's what Tui played.

After a good game, the coach praised the young players in the mixed team, telling the boys they could be All Blacks and Tui she could be a Black Fern. "I will never forget how pissed off I was in that moment. I was so angry at these idiot adults," she says.

She recalls what she thought at the time in Straight Up; "Who the heck are the frickin' Black Ferns? I literally had no idea what they were…. Here I was in this life that I hated, and he was offering me something that scarcely made any sense at all. It seemed hopeless. There was no possible pathway. It just wasn't a realistic concept at all."

Another move followed – to Blackball on the West Coast and then an escape with the help of Women's Refuge. Tui played netball through the remainder of her school years. It wasn't until she was studying towards her degree in Communication and Media Studies at the University of Canterbury that rugby came into her life again. Her room at Uni Hall overlooked Ilam Fields, and in March 2010 she went with a friend to check out the University of Canterbury Rugby Football Club and have a bit of a run-around.

Tui first pulled on the black jersey in 2012 for the Black Ferns Sevens team. The team won an Olympic Silver medal in 2016 and a Rugby World Cup Sevens title in 2018. Tui was named Black Ferns Sevens Player of the Year in 2017 and World Rugby Sevens player of the Year in 2019. She went on to win Gold with the Black Ferns Sevens at the 2020 Tokyo Olympics, where footage of her casual post-match interview with the BBC went viral.

Her manager Dan Sing says Tui is "100 per cent real, honest, and no-nonsense. There's only one Ruby Tui and what you see is what you get. She works harder than most humans and loves to elevate the people around her. She has pure gratitude for her journey and humbly represents so many New Zealanders who are out there just trying to do their best in life."

Doing her best is what Tui strives to do every day. "It's probably one of the most special, full-circle moments now that a girl can go buy a ticket and see international stars and the Black Ferns in her home country with record-setting crowds. It's just a completely different world now and the fact I have had half a hand in it is pretty special."

Straight Up by Ruby Tui, RRP $36.99, (Allen & Unwin) is out now.

Where to get help

Lifeline

Call 0800 543 354 or text 4357 (HELP)

Suicide Crisis Helpline

Call 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO)

Need to talk?

Call or text 1737

Women's Refuge

Free national crisis line operates 24/7 - 0800 refuge or 0800 733 843

Shine

Free national helpline 9am- 11pm every day - 0508 744 633 www.2shine.org.nz

Are You Ok

Information line 0800 456 450

Shakti

Providing specialist cultural services for African, Asian and middle eastern women and their children. Crisis line 24/7 0800 742 584

Photo credits
Photo by Michael Craig
Stylist: Courtney Joe
Hair and make-up: Claudia Rodrigues
Ruby wears Maggie Marilyn Power to You blazer, Twenty-seven Names Cosmopolitan shirt, Jasmin Sparrow Lavinia earrings.