Relationship Rehab: Husband fuming over wife's act after affair

Her "devastated" husband forgave his wife, only to be left furious at what she did next. Photo / 123rf

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au's weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a man fuming at his wife's actions after having an affair, what to do if you keep falling for the "wrong" person and a parent struggling to accept their son is gay.

MY WIFE HAD AN AFFAIR, NOW SHE'S LIKING HIS INSTAGRAM POSTS

QUESTION: A year or so ago my wife had an affair with an acquaintance and we very nearly broke up. I was understandably devastated and it took a long time for me to trust her again. I thought we'd worked things through and were back on track. However, I recently looked at the man's Instagram page and realised my wife had liked his posts – every single one of them! I don't even know why she's still following him, never mind liking his photos. What can I do? I want my marriage to work but I'm struggling to keep forgiving her.

ANSWER: It's understandable that this latest betrayal has left you questioning what to do. I'm a little shocked that your wife would still have contact with him after what you've been through.

Forgiveness isn't the issue. It isn't your responsibility to just keep forgiving your wife. She needs to make amends and show commitment to your relationship.

Recovering from infidelity takes time – it also takes meaningful actions to rebuild trust and the relationship. Long-term, you'll need trust, commitment and connection in your relationship if you want it to work.

It sounds obvious, but you need to speak to your wife. You need to let her know in no uncertain terms that any contact with him, including via social media isn't okay with you. While it might feel dramatic or unnecessary to her, it's a valid request given the circumstances.

For a relationship to recover from infidelity, the partner who cheated needs to be willing to do what their partner requires to feel comfortable and trusting again. While this can feel unbalanced for a period of time, it's necessary to be able to rebuild your connection.

Your wife also needs to understand what else you expect of her and what you need to rebuild trust and faith in your relationship. What do you need to feel secure in this partnership again? Would it help to have access to her phone? For her to call you when she's out?

Don't allow her to downplay this latest transgression as "nothing" or insignificant. The fact is, she's given attention to someone she cheated with, when her attention should be on re-establishing the relationship you have together.

It would be helpful to understand both why your wife feels the desire to continue a connection with him and why she thinks it's okay after what you've been through together.

There may also be other underlying issues within your relationship which you would benefit from addressing. Your wife needs to make amends and show she's committed to your relationship first.

If you aren't already seeing a couples therapist, consider reaching out to get support.

HELP! I KEEP FALLING FOR THE 'WRONG' PERSON

QUESTION: Why am I attracted to people who aren't good for me? I seem to have one unhappy relationship after another and can only assume I'm picking the wrong people.

ANSWER: You're choosing the "wrong" people due to your own relationship "blueprints"' and patterns.

We choose relationships based on our past (childhood) experiences.

Even when we recognise these patterns as destructive, we unconsciously repeat them until we've healed what's underneath. For example, the child of an alcoholic parent will often end up with an alcoholic partner.

You can only choose differently when you examine and heal your own relationship patterns.

Reflect on the relationships you had with your parents/caregivers in your early childhood and the relationship that they had with each other. Look for patterns in your relationships and partners since then. How have you learned to "be" in relationships in order to get love? That's what needs to change.

Consider exploring with a good therapist to help you identify these patterns and make the changes in how you're showing up.

HOW DO I ACCEPT MY SON BEING GAY?

QUESTION: My son recently came out as gay and I'm struggling to come to terms with it. Does that make me a bad person?

ANSWER: Struggling to come to terms with something doesn't make you a bad person. We all have prejudices and biases that impact us.

It's what you do next that matters.

You have a choice to continue feeling uncomfortable or to take action and make change.

By educating yourself and examining your underlying biases, it's possible to change them. There are plenty of resources (and support groups) available for parents of LBGTQI individuals.

You can learn to be an ally for your son. It might feel uncomfortable at times, but I promise it will be worth it.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sex therapist and sexologist. For more expert advice follow her on Instagram.