Please remember that you are not less sexy or exciting just because you have not, as yet, veered off what you see as the well-trodden sexual path. The mainstream, if you like. Any new sexual encounter is fraught with all sorts of worries about what we lack and, in your case, you are concerned that you lack experience. Try to put this aside. You are alluring to him with or without the handcuffs (or whatever). That stuff merely accessorises your attraction. Plus, he may well relish the thought of introducing you to new possibilities – whether you embrace them or otherwise. Even though you feel disempowered right now, you are the boss here.
Who has an entirely straightforward sex life anyway? People change over the years and their desires can evolve too. There may be dark, unexplored corners of the mind that throw up new things to try, new things to say. And however microscopic the shift, the thrill can be macro. Sex speaks so many languages: love, power, value, popularity – the list goes on. And so much can get internalised and lost: men who can’t get an erection around the woman they deeply desire. Women who have never had an orgasm with anyone else in the room. It takes a long time to work out what is truly satisfying, and it can change with a new relationship and it can change again as we get older.
You are intimidated by the uncertainty and the unchartered territory. The worry of whether you will be up for it, or up to it or any good at it. But isn’t this slightly exciting, Vanilla? Sex can be so transactional. You have an orgasm. I have an orgasm. We’ve won. Yay. But this could be an opportunity for play.
Ignore the term “kink”, for a start. It’s daunting and a bit scary and vaguely shaming while somehow also managing to be slightly silly. You don’t need to be kinky. But you can be curious. So …talk, Vanilla. Before you worry about equipment, moves or anything else, talk. Ask questions. Be interested, because all this stuff is fascinating, even if we don’t find it personally titillating. See if anything he suggests or describes tickles you. Ask him how he discovered his tendresse for whatever it may be. Ask him how it works; how it feels; why it’s sexy.
A friend of ours recently met someone who, before they had even kissed, was very direct about having a foot fetish. Fetish is an unhelpful word too, but she asked him lots of questions and he answered fully with lots of helpful responses: “it would only be enjoyable for me if it was fun for you”, and “all this depends on how you feel”. She had fun with the conversation and now receives lots of very nice foot rubs plus a bit more and no one was scared or shamed or hurt in the process. Quite the opposite. Talking about what he likes is just one way to unlock a sexual conversation that has a very good chance of leading to better sex. Because communication has a way of doing that.
Try it over text or the phone first. Spell it out. Use new words. Take in new information and ideas from him. See it as a remote dress rehearsal. Super-relaxing because you are alone but also in dialogue. You can say you’re wearing X and doing Y when, in reality, you’re making a cup of tea in your pyjamas. See it as a taster. And the truly useful thing about texting or talking about these things in advance is that the chat can act as a kind of instruction manual should you choose to proceed.
You have recently embarked on this relationship. It may or may not work. All the signs are good. Don’t see this as a long shadow hanging over your future. Talk. You may be surprised by what you learn about yourself. And if you learn that you are really, truly, unequivocally, immovably vanilla, then that’s lovely too. Just talk. That’s what will give you the best chance of having something that feels like “forever sex” anyway. - A&E
