Reigniting the romance when the kids have flown the coop- The Little Things

Many couples are forced to recalibrate their relationship when the kids leave home.

The empty nest phase is not just about missing your kids after they leave home. It can also force couples to confront what their relationship has become.

Talking to Francesca Rudkin and Louise Ayrey on The Little Things podcast, clinical psychologist Karen Nimmo says the departure of children can expose cracks in a partnership that have been easy to ignore in the busyness of family life.

“You’ve had raising kids, it’s your shared project that they’ve grown up, but your relationship hasn’t necessarily,” Nimmo says.

“It hasn’t been fed or watered because you’ve been so busy putting energy into the kids.”

Nimmo says it’s often women who start looking at their male partner through a new lens.

" Women do tend to cast quite a critical eye over their partners at that stage. And everybody’s of course asking the question, ‘is this it for the next 30 odd years?’ And so relationships get a real shakedown."

Making an effort to bond over shared interests is key according to Nimmo, but that doesn’t have to mean planning a trip to Europe.

“Very often, and lots of people do centre on trips after the kids leave ... that’s fine, but that’s not day to day. So you’ve got to find something fun and in the dust and dirt of everyday life.”

Nimmo says the small, repeated moments are what helps keep the love alive when the kids’ bedrooms sit empty.

“So like a little treat at the end of your gardening that you sat together and reflected on it and thought, ‘good job, us’ ... a little coffee that you book in at your favourite coffee place ... those kind of little meetings and little rituals sustain us.”

Nimmo says distraction is one of the biggest threats to relationships and points to the way couples can sit side by side while being mentally absorbed by their phones.

“I read a really interesting statistic that the fastest growing group of gamers, are 55 to 64 age group ... they’re just sitting there on their phones, gaming away.“

Nimmo considers this sort of distraction to be “a death knell for a relationship.”

To help avoid the temptation of distraction, Nimmo believes a mature conversation about what a relationship looks like after the kids leave home is the best way to navigate life as empty-nesters.

“It just needs to be okay, here we are ... let’s acknowledge this is a transition stage. How are we going to recalibrate? What are our roles around the house going to be now? How are we going to divide that sort of thing up? What activities will we share and what can we do together?

“What do we really want to do separately? Because that’s just as important. I think. Let’s think about how this next chapter might look for us so that we can have some fun.”

Listen to the full episode of The Little Things for more on:

• Why “grey divorce” is rising among couples over 50
• How mismatched emotions about the empty nest can strain relationships
• Why rebuilding intimacy after kids leave can be harder than expected

The Little Things is available on iHeartRadio, Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts. The series is hosted by broadcaster Francesca Rudkin and health researcher Louise Ayrey. New episodes are available every second Saturday.