Mother Nikki Bray with daughter Natasha, who lost her life in the Mangatepopo Gorge canyoning tragedy on April 15, 2008.
Mother Nikki Bray with daughter Natasha, who lost her life in the Mangatepopo Gorge canyoning tragedy on April 15, 2008.
The parent of one of the victims of the 2008 Mangatepopo Canyon disaster has revealed the critical role choosing forgiveness has played in processing the loss of her daughter.
Sixteen-year-old Natasha Bray was among a group of six students and a teacher from Auckand’s Elim Christian College whodrowned in a flash flood while canyoning in the Tongariro National Park.
In a poignant interview on Newstalk ZB’s Real Life with John Cowan on Sunday night, Natasha’s mother Nikki Bray reflected on her unwavering commitment to processing the tragedy in healthy ways.
“With the death of Natasha… there was anger, there was bitterness. I went through a range of emotions with that,” she told Cowan.
“When we first heard the news, we were hearing ‘it’s a once in a lifetime, it’s a one in 100 years thing’, so it was easier grant forgiveness straight away.
“But then as you start to hear about what’s happened, what hasn’t happened, and terrible mistakes that could and should have been avoided, then you start really going deep into yourself. The pain, the anger, the agony just comes out in all kinds of ways.”
An inquiry into the tragedy found significant failings at the Sir Edmund Hillary Outdoor Pursuits Center, where the Elim students were on school camp, had led to the disaster. The centre was subsequently fined $480,000 for health and safety breaches.
But in the face of unimaginable pain, and spurred on by their deeply held Christian faith, Bray and her husband Andy were determined not to be overcome by resentment.
“It was imperative that we dealt with [our anger]. I knew it wasn’t going to be life-enhancing for us to live from that space.
Nikki Bray and her late husband Andy. Photo / Supplied
“As a Christian, I live by that forgiveness principle: Christ came to forgive us and he asks us to forgive other people, and he doesn’t say ‘only if these things are minor’ or whatever. It’s like, we just need to forgive.
“We went through the restorative justice meetings with [the centre] and we actually verbally forgave people. We said, ‘I forgive you’ even though we were saying it in faith and at times the feelings still came back.”
Bray says she’s learned through the grieving process that forgiveness isn’t a one-off, and that the pain of Natasha’s death will never leave her.
“You don’t just say, ‘I forgive you, let’s move on, that’s fine’. Not at all. Those feelings keep coming back, and every time they do, you have to forgive someone again. And I noticed that every time I did, the pain was released just a little bit more.
“[But] I hate the word closure… there’s never closure. You just learn to live with the loss of those people in your life and you learn to trust that there is still good to come.”
Sadly in 2018, just weeks after the 10-year anniversary of the Mangatepopo Canyon disaster, Bray’s husband Andy died from a heart attack. This time, she had to mourn without his support.
“Andy was ten years older than me and he taught me a lot – I was 23 when I met him and he was 33. Because he was very intentional and deliberate, and I was kind of more chilled and relaxed, I could see the value of those qualities he had, and I learnt to live out of those.
“When I lost Andy five years ago, I put those things that I learnt [from him] into practice in my own life. I was like, ‘OK Nikki, this is what you’re dealing with now. This isn’t the future that you hoped you would have, but what are you going to do now to move forward in life, rather than just stay stuck?’”
Again, she put things in place to allow her to process her grief. But there were still times when the grief and pain was overwhelming.
“I ranted and I wrestled and I got mad at God that this was the journey,” Bray told Cowan.
“[But] he was with me in the pain. And I think that’s where I got to. It was like, it’s not about him making everything right in my world, because this world isn’t right. There’s a lot of pain out there that people are dealing with. But He is with me, grieving with me and will never leave me.”
Despite the scale of loss she’s faced, Bray says she still has hope for her future.
“Life has shrunk, but it’s going to grow big again. My daughter’s married and hopefully she’s going to have children, and my son’s about to get married. So who knows what will be in my future? I’m incredibly optimistic.”
Real Life is a weekly interview show where John Cowan speaks with prominent guests about their life, upbringing, and the way they see the world. Tune in Sundays from 7:30pm on Newstalk ZB.
