Q&A: Jess Fiebig on her new poetry collection

Jess Fiebig.

My Honest Poem is a collection of autobiographical poems in which Jess Fiebig, 30, tussles with childhood neglect, abusive relationships, depression and self-harm. It is brutal, but also beautiful. Fiebig lives in Christchurch and works for Parliamentary Services. This is her first book.

Have you always written?
I loved writing as a child and I wrote a lot as a teenager as well. I went to the School for Young Writers in Christchurch for about seven years; they had a series called The Redraft and I was in that several times. One year my poem was the title poem. Then when I got to university, I stopped writing poetry and I didn't write for five years. At the end of a toxic relationship I wrote really intensely for probably two to three years. I had a lot to say about everything that had happened to me in my life, all of a sudden. I try to write a few times a week before I start work in the morning; it's a good practice for me.

"His hand tasted of salt, a metallic tang of rust, the hot edge of petrol from the pump still lingering on his fingers." - from Dislocation

To what extent are the very specific details in the poems things that have happened to you – your mother's boyfriend dislocating your jaw when were 6 and ate "too many" Fruit Bursts, for example?
It's pretty much all real. It is exposing, and a little nerve-racking. It has lots of detail about the hardest things I have experienced but I don't think these are unique experiences. There are things in my book that will resonate with lots of people, especially young New Zealand women. Unfortunately. While it is a bit scary to put it all out there, and it's exposing to some of the people who have been in my life, for me it's in defiance of shame. It's not something that I'm proud of but if I had to go through it, I'm allowed to write about it – to reframe it and make it mine.

"I'm the sharp stone in his shoe, the craggy reminder of all things uncomfortable." - from Loving a Depressive

It is shocking, reading page after page of these incidents, each poem a story.
When I was laying them all out on the floor in my bedroom, trying to figure out what order they would be in, I did think is anyone going to want to read this? Because it is tough, but I think at the same time it is hopeful, it's real and poetry is about exploring intense emotions. It's for anyone who has gone mad and anyone who has had difficult experiences when they were a child that have come home to roost as an adult.

"Mum, I am no longer nine years old, gently brushing your amber hair out of those great dark eyes, asking if you might get dressed, go in to work, have something to eat?" - from Maternal Distance

The impression I get from the book is that your childhood was rootless, that you were a small person left to your own devices.
Yes, that's fair. I was. There probably weren't that many clues [about what was happening at home]. I have always been quite high-functioning and I would never talk about things that happened at home. I would have never given friends or teachers reason to think things were as bad as they were. I was also very lucky to have a grandmother to take care of me when she could and she really played a part in raising me and giving me some stability. For many kids for whom home is kind of scary, they need one person to believe in them and provide them some safety and for me that was my grandma, so while it wasn't an easy path, I had someone who really cared for me.

How does your mother feel about the book?
She has shown real grace. She never once asked me not to publish this, she was really happy for me that my dream was coming true and she acknowledged that these things happened and that this was my story. She's been really generous.

What is life like now?
My life now is a lot more calm and it is healthier and it is happier. I'm in a long-term, healthy relationship and I feel settled for the first time. It's taken a lot of therapy – and a book. - Eleanor Black

My Honest Poem, by Jess Fiebig (Auckland University Press, $25) is out now.