Polly Gillespie: Bill English is knee-deep in poop

Comparing John Key to Bill English is like comparing Blue Castello camembert to Chesdale cheese slices. Photo / Supplied

On our breakfast show three or four weeks ago we were chatting with John Key.

I felt the overwhelming need to inappropriately - and somewhat morbidly - spew forth at John: "Ya know, if you die John, the National Party is screwed!"

Grant reeled in horror: "You can't say that Polly!"

John was gracious, if not slightly taken aback: "That's very kind, sort of, Polly. Nice of you to say."

"It's not nice John. It's true. You are the only reason people like National. I mean, they may have some loyalty to the party, but the popularity is all about you. You die and they are over rover!"

John sort of laughed... weakly... nervously... and then changed the subject.

This week I said to him: "You knew then, didn't you? You knew you were leaving!"

"Yes Polly, I did, and I was thinking, don't say that!" John, as always, giving an honest response.

My partner is a lefty. For the longest time I have told him that, even though he can't stand his politics, if he were to meet John Key, he wouldn't be able to help liking him.

Tim scoffs at the thought and always responds with something about the selling out of his working class roots. Then I get a 10-minute lecture on a living wage, and John Key's inability to see the country for what it was.

I roll my eyes and say: "I don't care what you're saying Timothy. All I'm saying is John is exactly what you see. He is an entirely affable, likable, real, guy. I don't agree with all his politics, but I can't help but really like the man."

I'm surprised this hasn't broken us up.

This weekend, not only did he meet Mike Hosking at a birthday party - another man he believes is completely out of touch with real New Zealand and the working poor - but we were sitting in the Koru Lounge when up strode John and Bronagh Key, dressed in jeans and T-shirts.

John gave me a kiss and a hug. I introduced Tim to both of them and we sat down and chatted about my whole deliciously awkward "If you die, John" radio conversation.

So, having spoken with the evil Sith Lord (Hosking) at a birthday party, Tim was now drinking coffee with Palpatine, alias John Key.

Bill English doesn't have a sh*t show in hell. Bill English is smart, savvy, economically sound and politically astute, but he has two things working against him:

1. He lost to Helen Clark

Kiwis don't like losers. Sure, Helen had her share of losing, but she was a woman at a time when a lot of New Zealanders still believed women should be in the kitchen or the typing pool. Bill English lost to a woman. Kiwis don't forget that sort of thing.

2. He's not John Key

John Key is bigger than the sum of his entire party, and every other party. He's Tom Hanks. He's Kate Middleton. John Key is Pope Francis (you like the guy even when you're not a Catholic and some of his religious ideologies make you shudder). John Key is David Lange without the minor sex scandal. John Key is Norman Kirk without the extra weight and old Labour Party "reds under the beds" reputation. He's Prince Harry, Paul Holmes and Barrack Obama all rolled into one. He's just so bloody likeable. He's unlike any politician in this part of the world who has ever existed.

God damn it, he has charisma, charm, the manner of a man who is of the people, and he makes mistakes, just like all of us. And then he does the right thing by saying: "Sorry. That was dumb. I shouldn't have done that. My bad!"

Comparing John Key with Bill English is like comparing Blue Castello camembert to Chesdale cheese slices.

Let me be clear. I don't agree with much of John's agenda. I'm not entirely sure if he actually stands for anything. If I had to vote tomorrow I'd be like a frozen carp. Like most of us humanoids, I am influenced by all those ludicrous things that mean absolutely nothing when choosing a leader. I'm influenced by charisma, and someone's ability just to talk. Not to spin, or speak like a robo-puppet. God bless Helen Clark but her delivery sounded as sincere as Ted Cruz.

We don't want stock standard politicians anymore. We want people who talk and say real things, and sometimes stuff up and then say sorry. We want John Key but we can't have him.

I don't see anyone shining through in any party. There are some very able and honest folk, but Tom Hanks? Barrack Obama? David Lange? Norman Kirk? No way.

If Paul Henry ran I have no doubt he'd win, and that's terrifying. But it's because his personality, like it or not, fills a room.

We like winners. We like mould breakers. We like a little bit of cheeky and we don't like losers.

National and Labour are in for an interesting ride.

Maybe Winston Peters will be moving his double-breasted pinstripe suits into Government House one day soon. Stranger things have happened in America.