How glorious to be an A-List Celebrity! They're allowed into every VIP area except one: my own personal list of celebs I'd like to be friends with. Celebrities all over the globe don't even know they want to be on this list, that's how exclusive it is. Now, finally,
Oprah, Sandra Bullock, Will Smith, Jeff Goldblum - I choose you
By Ruth Spencer
Canvas·
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Jeff Goldblum, from his garage on The Late Late Show With James Corden. Photo / via Getty Images
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Sandra Bullock
I mean. She just seems like a good, fun person who'd answer your late-night phone calls (not texts, PHONE CALLS) and say soothing things until you were both cry-laughing. She's Julia Roberts but nice. She's been through the wringer – cheating husband, plane crash, homicidal stalker – but her whole aura exudes flannel shirts and picnics with the kids. I see us sitting on a couch with mulled wine on an Autumn evening, complaining about Nicole Kidman in Practical Magic. Well, me complaining about Nicole Kidman in Practical Magic. Sandi B hasn't a bad word to say about anyone.
Jeff Goldblum
Can we really be true friends if I'm secretly nursing a serious long-term crush? Call me, Jon Bon Jovi, let's discuss it. Jeff is a lush, blooming flower of a human: jazz pianist, intellectual, humourist, an oddball who probably both delights and frustrates his friends in equal measure. Jeff's the kind of friend you're so deeply in love with that actual romantic involvement would break the spell, so you just bask in a Mutual Appreciation Society of two. I'll try really hard not to mention that his best work was as the shaved alien in Earth Girls Are Easy, and he won't mention that my best work was that poem I wrote in sixth form about rain.
Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson
He's welcome. Come on, you know you want Dwayne at your barbecue, flipping burgers and swigging the alc-free beers because he has to put his kid to bed later. He's just that kind, funny dude everyone wants to be around. He's up for a duet at karaoke, joins your touch team and sends you funny memes he saw on Facebook. He breaks out his wrestling superpower only when there's danger, not on drunk guys at parties who want to suplex him. Dwayne would never remind you of his A-List status except on your birthday when he buys you, like, a plane.
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Will Smith
This is a tricky one, because as much as I'd like to be mates with Sweet William, I don't want to hang with his wife or kids. They just seem like straight-up antidotes to a good time. Will is that rare friend who acts like an idiot to make you laugh but is never uncool. He's all handsome dignity when escorting you to an event, but he's the life of the after-party. Ugh, his family though. Talk about entanglements. Maybe I can be work friends with Will, or we only see each other at choir practice. Are there harmonies in Gettin' Jiggy Wit It?
Oprah Winfrey
As Oprah's friend the world would be your mollusc. Skydiving, limousines, a ranch: whatever you're into, she'd joyfully give you. She even gave us the word vajayjay and I don't know if we're grateful enough for that. But it's Oprah's emotional and intellectual curiosity that's special. You couldn't help but learn from her – mostly about charlatans, Dr Phil, snake oil salesmen, Dr Oz - but I repeat myself. I'd rather eat my own fingers than work for her, of course - but that wasn't the question.
RuPaul
If you have Netflix, you either watch RuPaul's Drag Race or you're a liar. RuPaul is an unchanging, ageless beacon of permanent fabulousness. In Ru's world nothing holds you back: if you want to look like a beautiful young woman, don't let being a 60-year-old man stop you. If you want to release a hit single or 14, don't worry about not being able to sing. Being mates with RuPaul is all Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve and Talent and also that cool glue that sticks your eyebrows down so you can draw better ones above them.
Heidi Klum
Okay, I'm intimidated by the Germanically direct Heidi but she had me at Halloween. Heidi is the queen of the Hollywood dress-up game, just as I am West Auckland's queen (come at me). Many lesser mortals use costume opportunities to look hot but Heidi, being already devastatingly hot, dresses up as old ladies or Fiona from Shrek with movie-level special effects. One time she dressed as herself, only more so, with an army of Heidi Klum clones in matching swimsuits. This is the kind of power move that will drive a wedge between us, as I have yet been unable to find an army of my lookalikes willing to wear swimsuits.
