Give me five minutes and I'll be able to tell you the names of his wife and kids, the suburb he now resides in, what he does for a job and the breed of his dog.
Am I proud of this gift I've been blessed with? Nope. Will I probably do it again? Yep.
It's like we're suckers for punishment. As soon you get a sixth sense that your ex has met someone new, you go deep into the Insta-world, and suddenly you've stumbled upon his best mate's Insta story and in the background you see him tuning a chick at a pub.
Who is she? What's her name? I know, I'll look up who else has posted a story from that location and see if I can spot him in any of those.
Why? Why do we do it to ourselves? You know the evidence isn't going to be pretty. You know once you've seen him happy with someone else you're going to feel rotten for the next couple of hours. Goodbye sleep. And yet, we do.
Just last year I shamelessly watched every darn Insta story that appeared online from my ex's destination wedding. I don't particularly like him, and yet I couldn't stop scrolling. I got so distracted by one of the pretty dresses a guest was wearing that I went out and bought it the next day.
Put your phone down Jana and go to sleep.
I take a little comfort in the fact that I've never created a fake profile to check on someone's social media, but according to a recent poll 9 per cent of Australians have. Wow.
Is it wrong that I kinda hope some of my exes have stalked me? Have you ever pretended to be someone else and gone onto your own Insta page to see what you look like to others? I have. Oh cringe.
I tell you what, the ol' exes aren't seeing me down a kebab at 3am, but they sure as heck are seeing me dressed up to the nines for my cousin's wedding. I wonder if they're pondering who that bloke I'm tasting wines with at a recent winery tour is.
Hey, they don't need to know that he would be far more into my brother then me. He's looking the goods, so up he goes, onto the grid. Shame on you Jana. Shame.
Recently a friend of mine put up a picture of herself in a restaurant enjoying a wine with the caption "date night". I knew she had been having dramas with the guy she was dating so I messaged her saying "Oh yay! You sorted things out?" to which she replied, "Nope, old photo, just catfishing babe."
Yep she was trying to make her lover boy fiercely jealous. Bold move.
So why do we do it? Sometimes because we're lonely. Sometimes because we're bored and sometimes just because we're nosey parkers. But honey, if you find yourself obsessing over it, it may be time to take a digital detox.
Having a sticky beak is cute. Rocking up to the place your ex recently checked into on Facebook for an "accidental run in" is not.
So before you wrap yourself up in that straitjacket, just simply turn off your phone and be kind to yourself.
It's fun to own your crazy, but let's not go the full hog.
