Mariah Carey has defrosted, Covid restrictions are (mostly) gone and companies have decided it’s time to bring back the annual Christmas party.
Hallelujah.
With these parties due to take over the month of December, there’s plenty of advice telling us how to behave, and to stay at least 5meters away from our boss while intoxicated.
But I’m not here to give you more rules. This year has been wilder than a round of applause after a Will Smith slap, and it’s your prerogative to make the most of the end-of-year party.
Instead, let’s run through the types of people who you will always bump into at a Kiwi Christmas party, and how to spot them.
1. The one who confronts their boss
I’m coming in hot with this one, but not as hot as the person who downs three wines and decides it’s an absolutely primo time to approach their boss – who is having a civil chat with their boss – and get everything off their chest.
Sure, they just had their bi-weekly one-on-one and said everything is a-ok, but now that they’ve had time to think about it, their workload is heavy, they don’t like Becky with the good hair and you know what, yeah, they deserve a rise.
To all the bosses this holiday season, Godspeed.
2. The ghoster
“Sarah? Oh yeah she’s just over th...” just kidding. Sarah is long gone.
She’s the social butterfly of the company and knows exactly how to work a room. She arrives at the Christmas party approximately 20 minutes after the email told her to arrive, she has one wine, says hello to everyone and then *poof* she’s gone.
Casper is her name, getting out of there before all the drama ensues is her game.
3. The nudey rudey
He’s recently turned 21 – or on the opposite side of the spectrum having a mid-life crisis – and with a few beers, a couple of lads encouraging him and forgetfulness that he’s at a work Christmas party not his 21st and he decides yes, it absolutely is the right down to strip down to jocks.
He’s an HR nightmare, but Dave Dobbyn is blaring and apparently, he thinks his body is a Slice of Heaven.
The minute they heard there was a work Christmas party, their eyes lit up because they just secured an extra couple of hours with their workplace crush.
They take on the role of the party wall flowers because they are too busy enjoying each other’s company and for everyone else it kind of feels like watching a real-life Christmas movie where the two best friends slowly fall in love.
Will they? Won’t they? It’s a plot that absolutely everyone is invested in.
5. The quiet girl who isn’t actually so quiet
She is the workplace sweetheart. If you could meet the Princess of Wales, Kate Middleton, you’re pretty sure she would have the personality of this girl.
That is until the end-of-year party when her work bestie Jessica is nowhere to be seen and accidentally left her with a bottle of Central Otago Pinot Noir. Suddenly she’s on the table doing her best Britney Spears Slave For You impression and having a messy main character moment.
Her work husband is desperately trying to pull her off the table, her boss is too shocked to move and Jessica has returned just in time to film her getting kicked out of the bar. What a moment.
6. The crier
They’re usually in a dark and dingy corner or have approximately seven people trying to coax them out of the bathroom.
What are they crying about? Absolutely no one knows but chances are they are a Pisces or a Cancer so the astrology girl of the workplace is busy searching what planet is in retrograde so they know how to help.
Meanwhile, the workplace mom is getting a glass of water while soothingly rubbing their back and aggressively signalling at the bartender to bring over some hot chips and tomato sauce.
They are the clowns in the group and everyone loves them. Photo / Getty Images
He rocks up to the event looking like Fred Dagg with his gumboots and black singlet and immediately it’s obvious he is everything ol’ nudey rudey wanted to be.
You knew this guy was a keeper before the soiree. He was the guy you cried to about your break up after all and within minutes of arriving at the party he becomes the “it” boy of the night.
If the social team want to make a TikTok, he’s there. If the lads want to see who can chug their beer the fastest, he’s there. If the sober group want to play a round of cards while scoffing down chocolate fish, he’s there making sure they’re having a good time doing it.
But the clown of the workplace party isn’t just a laugh. He’s somehow the dad of the group as well and makes sure everyone gets home safe before he goes to meet his friends.
8. The Gen Z sipping on mocktails
The Gen-Z’s of the office have everyone puzzled. They’re 21, never get hangovers, their skin looks amazing and they always say things like “povo” and “fit check”.
It’s at the work Christmas party you finally get to the bottom of all these questions, that’s if they ever get off BeReal and actually be real.
They will barely look up from their phone all night because they are in the group chat telling their friends all the goss from the party, instead of actually being part of the goss. They live in a weird hyperreality and almost certainly were gifted blue light glasses by a concerned millennial in Secret Santa.
Ahh, youths.
Whichever personality you end up embodying this Christmas party season (both business and pleasure), have a good time doing it, don’t drink too much and if you do drink too much, remember Maccy D’s will always fix a hangover.
