Mum of four Sarah Beeny says parents should raise their sons to respect all genders equally. Photo / The Telegraph UK
OPINION:
"Mum," said one of my sons when he came home from school the other day, "some of the girls are saying 70 per cent of men are rapists."
I was horrified. "That's not true!" I told him. "It's nonsense." But his female classmates, it seemed, had picked up this false statistic on social media.
The death of Sarah Everard earlier this month was shocking and sickening. It was followed by an understandable public outcry in which legitimate concerns became mixed up with wildly inaccurate claims, like the one some girls at my son's school appeared to believe.
My mother died when I was 10, so I had quite a male-dominated childhood with my brother and father. My husband and I now have four sons – 16, 15, 12 and 11 – and it pains me to think they're getting the message the world feels maleness is somehow toxic. In my experience, the vast majority of men are lovely and honourable. Most men are not predatory, and the overwhelming majority are a very long way from being murderers. It is so important we celebrate the many brilliant, positive male role models out there, whether they be family members or well-known figures.
TV presenter Davina McCall received a backlash on Twitter when she attempted to make a similar point last week. "Calling all men out as dangerous is bad for our sons, brothers, partners," she dared to suggest. Her words were greeted with a torrent of outrage. But I believe such nuance is necessary. Otherwise we risk demonising all of our boys, which can only be counterproductive.
That is not to say that parents of sons don't have a part to play in raising them to be respectful and kind – to members of both sexes equally. I am a feminist and am proud to say I am also married to one. We talk to our children about feminism often, so hopefully they have an understanding of the issues. But I fundamentally believe in equality, not in hating other groups, be they men or anyone else.
We have a responsibility to raise our sons to have empathy, kindness, a work ethic and a belief other people are equal to them. But I don't think I'd feel any differently if we had daughters. Children of both sexes need to learn respect for others. This starts with them having self-respect and self-esteem, since hate comes from insecurity. You need to like yourself and be at peace with who you are, and that is what we try to instil in our sons.
I don't believe, however, that they learn that much by being told how they should and shouldn't behave, as tempting as it is. I'm not sure that approach works. Yes, boundaries are important, and we are parents, not their friends. But I try to do it through open conversations, and we have consciously brought them up to be able to discuss anything they want with us, which they very often do.
This includes those difficult but important chats about consent and online porn. You have to talk about everything, and years ago we decided to answer every question they asked straight on.
Sometimes this may have been taken too far. When my oldest son was much younger, he came home from a friend's house and said to me, "We looked up sex on the internet. Are you cross?" I took a deep breath, slightly panicked and replied, "I'll never be cross about anything you look at online because I want you to always be able to talk to me about what you see. It's so difficult to tell if what you're looking at there is what happens in a more normal, loving relationship or not, but I can tell you if it's what most people do." I felt quite pleased with my response.
He then asked me, "So what would be normal?" Again I slightly panicked: "On the internet you might see three people kissing instead of two. That wouldn't be that normal."
He told me what he'd actually seen was a photo of a woman in her underwear. I'd just told my young son about threesomes for no good reason. But, still, I strongly believe you have to keep the door open, as awkward as some of those chats will inevitably be.
Female abduction / murder is extremely rare. Yes we should all be vigilant when out alone. But this level of fear-mongering isn’t healthy. And men’s mental health is an issue as well. Calling all men out as dangerous is bad for our sons, brothers, partners.
— Davina McCall (@ThisisDavina) March 12, 2021
We lead a relatively low-tech life in the country, and the boys really don't do any gaming at home. But it's hard to keep them offline, and they all have devices now, which we both really regret. It's sadly too late to go back, but honestly we'd rather they trashed the house while building a camp (which they often do) than sat there glued to their screens.
Tech companies have done a brilliant job of getting our children hooked, and it's done irreparable damage. We've stolen their boredom, filled their lives with terrible anxieties and made them really insecure. We can't ban our children from using Snapchat when all their friends are on it. But we have always tried to encourage them to throw themselves into offline activities, and some things – like games consoles – they have had a blanket "no" to, long enough, for them to no longer care.
That said, Pandora's box is well and truly open now. The best I can do is encourage our sons to keep talking to us about whatever they find inside.
This is easier said than done with teens, but someone once told me you should never look a boy in the eyes if you want them to open up. I recommend going for a walk with them instead, or sitting beside them in the car (which is where I have a lot of good chats with mine). When they're younger, if you sit on the edge of their bed at nighttime, once the lamp is out they can't see you and feel more relaxed about telling you what's on their mind.
I also find it helps to tell them the truth about yourself. Doing so makes them more likely to reciprocate. So I tell mine about my day, my life, my feelings. I ask them for their advice, and when they give it to me, I very often take it, because often it's sound. I trust them and value their opinions, and hopefully they in turn value some, if not all, of mine.
We have also given them the chance to make mistakes. Let them choose what they wear (not always ideal when you end up in the supermarket with a child in pyjamas), sometimes make their own food, jump off a tree and hurt themselves, whittle a stick with a sharp knife, light a fire and burn their finger. Taking risks empowers them to make decisions and teaches them if they get something wrong, they are also the ones who can fix it.
We have both had plenty of chats with them about how to treat girls, but that conversation has been ongoing since they were 5 or 6. As they get older, they and their friends get constant reminders at the beginning of any party from their dad or me: "Remember, no means no. And if in doubt, walk away. If it's meant to be, it will happen another time."
We can have these conversations with our sons without giving them the idea that they, as boys, are inherently dangerous.
What happened to poor Sarah Everard is utterly tragic. But I cannot believe her heartbroken family would want her legacy to be reduced to something as negative as a battle of women vs men. As they grieve for such a wicked crime, all the men and women I know are standing shoulder to shoulder in horror.
As told to Rosa Silverman