One Day You’ll Thank Me: How to avoid raising kids as ‘straight by default’

Christian Newman (left) and Mark Edwards with their children Frankie and Lulu. Photo / Instagram

Welcome to season three of the Herald’s parenting podcast: One Day You’ll Thank Me. Join parents and hosts Jenni Mortimer and Rebecca Haszard as they navigate the challenges and triumphs of parenting today with help from experts and well-known mums and dads from across Aotearoa.

Want to get in touch with the podcast? Email the team at odytm@nzme.co.nz.

How many parents have watched as someone tells their little boy, “When you grow up and get a girlfriend...” or in the case of a girl, “a boyfriend”?

It’s a common assumption many of us make: that a child will grow up as a heterosexual. But for some Kiwi kids, their sexual preference will be LGBTQIA+.

On today’s episode of One Day You’ll Thank Me, hosts Jenni Mortimer and Rebecca Haszard speak to husbands Mark Edwards and Christian Newman, of famed Kiwi pram company Edwards & Co and popular social media account Love From Your Dads, to find out how parents can avoid raising children as straight by default and help normalise sexual orientation.

The proud fathers of son, Frankie, 4, and daughter Lulu, 1, embarked on surrogacy journeys to have their children and just before their son arrived, launched their Instagram account to document their life as a family.

“It was really just showing people … what life looks like with just two dads,” says Newman.

“It’s the same as having one dad or one mum or single parents or a heterosexual couple or whatever else. You know, we’re actually no different to anyone else other than the fact that we are two men raising kids.

“We are literally just here to show people that still think two men having a baby, shouldn’t be having a baby - and why it’s actually fine ... we are no different to anyone else. So maybe just let that theory go.”

Edwards and Newman with their children, Frankie and Lulu, au pair Kelly, far left, and Lulu's surrogate mum, Natalie, second from left. Photo / Instagram

Reflecting on growing up gay in New Zealand, the pair describe their experiences as “traumatic” and stigmatised.

“It’s a really, really kind of traumatic time,” recalls Edwards. “I guess it was quite particularly like that in the nineties. For me, all the gay people I knew were really flamboyant. And there was a particular stereotype of what a gay male would be. And that’s what I thought it was,” he says adding that a friend asked her father what being gay was and was told it meant a male thinks of themselves as more of a female.

For Newman, who attended a religious boarding school in a rural town, he says “there were no resources. There was nothing online. I never knew anyone that actually was gay for a start. And it was talked about in such a negative way. It had such a heavy stigma attached.”

Edwards reflects that some of his “really bad experiences growing up” weren’t necessarily “the fault of the individuals, but again, is probably just ignorance about what being gay or LGBT is.”

Newman agrees and says, “I think just us showing up online and showing what we do and how we live is really empowering for other people, but also educating for those that have absolutely no clue.”

For fellow parents, Edwards and Newman say there’s lots of seemingly subtle ways you can normalise and create open, accepting environments for children.

“Really think about the comments that you make, the people you associate yourself with and surround yourself with. Little things like what you are watching on Instagram or TV,” notes Newman.

“If your child, potentially, you think might be LGBTQI+, or they’re interested, just the parents watching [RuPaul’s Drag Race] could even be something to show, ‘Oh, my parents are interested in this. They might be accepting without even having a conversation about it’.”

Mark, Frankie, Christian and Lulu. Photo / Instagram

“If you’ve got friends [who are LGBTQ+], involving those friends or talking about them … just super subtle conversations with things that are happening to show your kids. If it starts super early on, that should be a thing that nowadays is happening anyway.”

They also point to children’s books such as Elton John and David Bowie from the Little People Big Dreams series: autobiographical reads that include discussions around sexual preference in an open, normalised way.

And for parents who may feel uncomfortable about the idea of any of the above, that’s okay, say the pair.

“If parents feel like they have to force themselves to do that sort of thing, that’s great because they’re learning themselves.”

• For more of Newman and Edwards’ insights and to hear about their surrogacy efforts in New Zealand, listen to today’s episode of One Day You’ll Thank Me below.

You can follow the podcast at iHeartRadio, Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes are out every Thursday.