Ooh, the suspense is killing me

By MICHELE HEWITSON

In a phone poll of drunk people, 100 per cent of those surveyed said they hoped that dipso Rachel survives the car crash which saw her slumped into an airbag at the end of last year's Shortland Street season. And that she returns to knock off super-surgeon, super-drone Chris, who was last seen trying to stick his tongue down ambulance-boss Donna's throat.

Those spoken to also slurred that they hoped control freak Adam carks it tonight after he was stabbed by crazed psycho and murderer Kurt; and that blonde psychic, the shop-lifting nurse Toni is locked up for life after wishing him dead.

Yes, Shortland Street (TV2, 7pm) returns tonight and the storyliners will need to assemble a convoy of ambulances at the bottom of the multiple cliffhangers to sort this lot out.

Half of those polled (me and the cat) said that they thought last season's scene which showed a trolleyed Rachel drink-driving while shouting at Dr Chris on a cellphone before the big crash was the latest "If you Drink and Drive and Talk on a Cellphone You Must be a Bloody Well-Paid Soap Star" recruiting ad.

But I'm hoping Rachel makes it. Because it's getting very PC around Shorty, and Rachel is the nearest thing the clinic has to a resident bitch.

Here she is on Dr Chris: "If I saw his stupid face or heard his droning voice, I'd be down to that liquor store so fast ... " Not a court in the land would convict her for drink-driving after having to wake up to that.

The lovely thing about the build-up to the traditional Chrissie cliffhangers is that everyone becomes a psychic.

Here's my psychic prediction: in 25 years' time Nick and Waverley will be the Ken and Deirdre of NZ telly.

For now, Waverley has a face like a coffin lid on her (Coro's Deirdre permanently has a face on her like a coffin lid). Wave's had a breast cancer scare and, for purely soap reasons (which means, for no good reason at all), she hasn't told hubby Nick. Which gives him the chance to play psychic, too: "Cheer up, it's a party not a funeral."

They've all been at it. Here's Dr Chris droning on about his relationship with Rachel (as a ploy to bed Donna, the swine): "I feel like my head is spinning, like I'm watching a car crash in slow motion."

Zac to Rachel: "If you want to kill yourself, you can do it somewhere else."

Toni told Adam to "sod off and die, and he pretty much did".

And here's Vic to Tama: "If you're thinking about a career in acting, don't bother."

At least I think he said it. It could have been that drunk cat.

But we don't watch Shorty for the acting, do we? We watch it to see whether Rachel comes back from the dead to give Chris some more of what he undoubtedly deserves. Or, if she really has written herself off for the last time, to see some really, really bad acting at the graveside.

You don't have to be psychic to predict that one.