I assume most married and long-term couples are already shacked up in one bubble, but let's not forget all the people who had only JUST STARTED seeing someone before lockdown was announced.
While many of those new couples may have thrown caution to the wind and opted to prematurely move in together, rather than Romeo-and-Juliet it for a month. I bet lots of other couples didn't, and they're now struggling to keep the spark alive while we're all basically on home detention.
Fear not, pining lovesick puppies – I'm here to help.
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This is an absolutely cooked time so be kind to yourselves mates. If you wanna workout, go for it. If like me you've decided now's your chance to get heavily into cask wine, go for it. If like me you're also at your wits end listening to your shrill flatmates on Zoom calls, I highly recco investing in noise-cancelling headphones. (Not spon but @sonynz did kindly give me these ones after I vowed to give them all my organs and my first born if they could please render me deaf immediately). Keep in touch with all your pals, keep in touch with your therapist and remember I'm only a DM away if you want a chat and / or to get lit with me via that HouseParty app. Plus tomorrow I'll try get round to publishing some actual useful tips on how to stay sane while Social Distancing In The City cause honestly what a fab rebrand, now I never have to go out again.
• Sinead in The City: I fell in love on an Auckland flight to a dating app event
• Sinead In The City: My $30 tattoo disaster and other beauty regrets
• Sinead In The City: How to lose a guy in 10 days - in 2019
• Sinead In The City: I got Botox and it's the best thing I ever did, sorry
1. How to Facetime
Look, I don't want to tell you how to suck eggs (what a hideous expression, sorry) - but my friend Victoria only just taught me how to Facetime a significant other the right way.
Because I bet I'm not the only woman out here who pre-video call, spends 20 minutes finding the best light in my room and the most flattering angle for my boobs and 27 chins.
I then spend the duration of the call solely focused on my own face, and post-Facetime I have two numb arms and crippling back pain from trying to maintain this taut sexy pose.
And I bet you don't worry about that stuff when you're with them in real life, so forget that cam-girl crap. The best way to Facetime your crush is by perching your phone up on a windowsill, and going about your day in the same way you would if they were just hanging out in your bedroom with you.
Fold ya washing, make your bed or eat your dinner while you chat to them – I promise it'll feel more like a normal hangout instead of a Zoom job interview, and your non-numb limbs will thank you.
2. Virtual date night
Okay, I know I said you're free to do all your unsexy life admin while you Facetime – but you should also set aside at least one night a week for a proper date night, just like you would in real life.
Get out of those trackpants you've been wearing for three days (me too, no judgment), wash your hair, chuck on a proper date outfit and crack open your finest cask wine.
If you're struggling to think of something interesting to talk about because you've understandably done nothing noteworthy in your bunker all week beyond teaching yourself TikTok dances and eating cereal for every meal – don't worry, I've got you.
Clearly planning ahead for the impending lockdown, a clever psychologist called Arthur Aron developed a "36 questions" test (google it) whereby partners ask each other a specific series of personal questions that can apparently make anyone fall in love.
If that's too scary (fair), download that HouseParty app and have your date on there, they have lots of less-intense games you can play, like Harry Potter trivia.
3. Mix up your comms
I get it, you're sick of having to constantly be sparkly and camera-ready for these relentless Facetime sessions – me too.
Thankfully, I've found that the best way to stay in touch with a lockdown bae is via different communication platforms.
Texting is still fun (sexting is funner, but we'll get to that next week) and if you're in the middle of a dressing gown plus hair-and-face-mask session (and you're not quite ready to introduce your partner to the Shrek version of you) might I suggest a good old-fashioned phone call?
See, lockdown does have its perks - multi-tasking at its finest.
Tune in next week for even more tips and tricks on keeping the sexy spark alive during lockdown.