Apparently a baby was born this week. Maybe you heard?
Indeed, it's a very special baby.
This child will be adored by millions. It could even be considered royalty. Ugh, what am I saying — it is royalty. And with a powerful grandmother pulling the strings, this baby is destined for phenomenal things, reports news.com.au.
Yes. The new Kimye baby is truly a gift.
And just like its mum, it's a total thunder-stealer. It's just one baby who tried to steal the thunder from Archie Harrison Mountbatten-Windsor this week.
Amy Schumer's baby was another one that came in the hours after Meghan and Harry's. The comedian revealed she named it Gene Attell but no one believes her because, when said out loud, it sounds like "genital" and we hope it's not a joke because being named after a penis or vagina is character building.
It's a shame Meghan and Harry didn't consider putting a penis pun in their baby's name. Everyone's been saying the royal family has become more progressive but obviously they haven't if they're turning their noses up at phallic wordplay. They're so up themselves.
While the royals aren't going wild with the penis puns, Archie Harrison Mountbatten-Windsor's birth is history making and shows they're finally progressing in other areas.
"(He's) the first bi-racial grandchild of the Queen. That's monumental," Tessy Ojo, chief executive of the Diana Award, the charity which honours Princess Diana, told People.
That's what made the family photo with Doria and the Queen so great. It shouldn't be a big deal but it is. Finally, the royal family is doing something good. After years of inbreeding and affairs and white people sucking other white people's toes, they're representing something meaningful.
The other great thing about that photo is the Queen is smiling. She usually seems like a big grump but she's probably mellowed since Prince Philip flipped that Range Rover.
Of course, the big question is when will all those bitchy royal staff who hate Meghan turn on the baby? Ever since Harry brought Meghan into the palace, cranky staff have bristled and decided the Duchess is terrible. They keep giving her really lame nicknames like Duchess Difficult and Me-Gain and NIMBY. I'd go into the backstory about what NIMBY stands for but it's honestly not exciting and the only takeaway is the royal staff aren't as funny as they think they are.
Anyway, they hate Meghan because she asks them to do things. Ugh, it's as if they work for her. How dare she! Who does she think she is, a princess? Well, she's technically not. Take that, NIMBY! Her title is duchess not princess and I guess that determines how much respect the royal staff gives you.
Maybe they'll hate Archie by extension? How dare he cry in the middle of the night! Who does he think he is, a baby?! We can't wait for staff to start leaking catty stories about the baby and inventing a number of confusing and not very creative acronymic nicknames.
Once the inside stories start coming, that's when the tabloids will begin controlling the narrative of Archie's life. Rumours of a feud between Archie and Prince George will dominate the headlines.
They'll pit the children against each other. Who wore it best: Prince George or Archie wearing the same gross knee-high socks and sweater vest combo at the Queen's annual Easter egg hunt?
The magazines will probably say Prince George wore it better but the truth is neither did because knee highs on children are creepy.
Archie will see the Kardashian-West kids on the other side of the globe. Their lives will be similar but also very different. No one's making the Kardashian-West kids wear gross knee-high socks, but Kanye is making them wear his weird line of homeless people clothes.
Everything evens out.