NZ Herald
  • Home
  • Latest news
  • Herald NOW
  • Video
  • New Zealand
  • Sport
  • World
  • Business
  • Entertainment
  • Podcasts
  • Quizzes
  • Opinion
  • Lifestyle
  • Travel
  • Viva
  • Weather

Subscriptions

  • Herald Premium
  • Viva Premium
  • The Listener
  • BusinessDesk

Sections

  • Latest news
  • New Zealand
    • All New Zealand
    • Crime
    • Politics
    • Education
    • Open Justice
    • Scam Update
  • Herald NOW
  • On The Up
  • World
    • All World
    • Australia
    • Asia
    • UK
    • United States
    • Middle East
    • Europe
    • Pacific
  • Business
    • All Business
    • MarketsSharesCurrencyCommoditiesStock TakesCrypto
    • Markets with Madison
    • Media Insider
    • Business analysis
    • Personal financeKiwiSaverInterest ratesTaxInvestment
    • EconomyInflationGDPOfficial cash rateEmployment
    • Small business
    • Business reportsMood of the BoardroomProject AucklandSustainable business and financeCapital markets reportAgribusiness reportInfrastructure reportDynamic business
    • Deloitte Top 200 Awards
    • CompaniesAged CareAgribusinessAirlinesBanking and financeConstructionEnergyFreight and logisticsHealthcareManufacturingMedia and MarketingRetailTelecommunicationsTourism
  • Opinion
    • All Opinion
    • Analysis
    • Editorials
    • Business analysis
    • Premium opinion
    • Letters to the editor
  • Politics
  • Sport
    • All Sport
    • OlympicsParalympics
    • RugbySuper RugbyNPCAll BlacksBlack FernsRugby sevensSchool rugby
    • CricketBlack CapsWhite Ferns
    • Racing
    • NetballSilver Ferns
    • LeagueWarriorsNRL
    • FootballWellington PhoenixAuckland FCAll WhitesFootball FernsEnglish Premier League
    • GolfNZ Open
    • MotorsportFormula 1
    • Boxing
    • UFC
    • BasketballNBABreakersTall BlacksTall Ferns
    • Tennis
    • Cycling
    • Athletics
    • SailingAmerica's CupSailGP
    • Rowing
  • Lifestyle
    • All Lifestyle
    • Viva - Food, fashion & beauty
    • Society Insider
    • Royals
    • Sex & relationships
    • Food & drinkRecipesRecipe collectionsRestaurant reviewsRestaurant bookings
    • Health & wellbeing
    • Fashion & beauty
    • Pets & animals
    • The Selection - Shop the trendsShop fashionShop beautyShop entertainmentShop giftsShop home & living
    • Milford's Investing Place
  • Entertainment
    • All Entertainment
    • TV
    • MoviesMovie reviews
    • MusicMusic reviews
    • BooksBook reviews
    • Culture
    • ReviewsBook reviewsMovie reviewsMusic reviewsRestaurant reviews
  • Travel
    • All Travel
    • News
    • New ZealandNorthlandAucklandWellingtonCanterburyOtago / QueenstownNelson-TasmanBest NZ beaches
    • International travelAustraliaPacific IslandsEuropeUKUSAAfricaAsia
    • Rail holidays
    • Cruise holidays
    • Ski holidays
    • Luxury travel
    • Adventure travel
  • Kāhu Māori news
  • Environment
    • All Environment
    • Our Green Future
  • Talanoa Pacific news
  • Property
    • All Property
    • Property Insider
    • Interest rates tracker
    • Residential property listings
    • Commercial property listings
  • Health
  • Technology
    • All Technology
    • AI
    • Social media
  • Rural
    • All Rural
    • Dairy farming
    • Sheep & beef farming
    • Horticulture
    • Animal health
    • Rural business
    • Rural life
    • Rural technology
    • Opinion
    • Audio & podcasts
  • Weather forecasts
    • All Weather forecasts
    • Kaitaia
    • Whangārei
    • Dargaville
    • Auckland
    • Thames
    • Tauranga
    • Hamilton
    • Whakatāne
    • Rotorua
    • Tokoroa
    • Te Kuiti
    • Taumaranui
    • Taupō
    • Gisborne
    • New Plymouth
    • Napier
    • Hastings
    • Dannevirke
    • Whanganui
    • Palmerston North
    • Levin
    • Paraparaumu
    • Masterton
    • Wellington
    • Motueka
    • Nelson
    • Blenheim
    • Westport
    • Reefton
    • Kaikōura
    • Greymouth
    • Hokitika
    • Christchurch
    • Ashburton
    • Timaru
    • Wānaka
    • Oamaru
    • Queenstown
    • Dunedin
    • Gore
    • Invercargill
  • Meet the journalists
  • Promotions & competitions
  • OneRoof property listings
  • Driven car news

Puzzles & Quizzes

  • Puzzles
    • All Puzzles
    • Sudoku
    • Code Cracker
    • Crosswords
    • Cryptic crossword
    • Wordsearch
  • Quizzes
    • All Quizzes
    • Morning quiz
    • Afternoon quiz
    • Sports quiz

Regions

  • Northland
    • All Northland
    • Far North
    • Kaitaia
    • Kerikeri
    • Kaikohe
    • Bay of Islands
    • Whangarei
    • Dargaville
    • Kaipara
    • Mangawhai
  • Auckland
  • Waikato
    • All Waikato
    • Hamilton
    • Coromandel & Hauraki
    • Matamata & Piako
    • Cambridge
    • Te Awamutu
    • Tokoroa & South Waikato
    • Taupō & Tūrangi
  • Bay of Plenty
    • All Bay of Plenty
    • Katikati
    • Tauranga
    • Mount Maunganui
    • Pāpāmoa
    • Te Puke
    • Whakatāne
  • Rotorua
  • Hawke's Bay
    • All Hawke's Bay
    • Napier
    • Hastings
    • Havelock North
    • Central Hawke's Bay
    • Wairoa
  • Taranaki
    • All Taranaki
    • Stratford
    • New Plymouth
    • Hāwera
  • Manawatū - Whanganui
    • All Manawatū - Whanganui
    • Whanganui
    • Palmerston North
    • Manawatū
    • Tararua
    • Horowhenua
  • Wellington
    • All Wellington
    • Kapiti
    • Wairarapa
    • Upper Hutt
    • Lower Hutt
  • Nelson & Tasman
    • All Nelson & Tasman
    • Motueka
    • Nelson
    • Tasman
  • Marlborough
  • West Coast
  • Canterbury
    • All Canterbury
    • Kaikōura
    • Christchurch
    • Ashburton
    • Timaru
  • Otago
    • All Otago
    • Oamaru
    • Dunedin
    • Balclutha
    • Alexandra
    • Queenstown
    • Wanaka
  • Southland
    • All Southland
    • Invercargill
    • Gore
    • Stewart Island
  • Gisborne

Media

  • Video
    • All Video
    • NZ news video
    • Herald NOW
    • Business news video
    • Politics news video
    • Sport video
    • World news video
    • Lifestyle video
    • Entertainment video
    • Travel video
    • Markets with Madison
    • Kea Kids news
  • Podcasts
    • All Podcasts
    • The Front Page
    • On the Tiles
    • Ask me Anything
    • The Little Things
  • Cartoons
  • Photo galleries
  • Today's Paper - E-editions
  • Photo sales
  • Classifieds

NZME Network

  • Advertise with NZME
  • OneRoof
  • Driven Car Guide
  • BusinessDesk
  • Newstalk ZB
  • Sunlive
  • ZM
  • The Hits
  • Coast
  • Radio Hauraki
  • The Alternative Commentary Collective
  • Gold
  • Flava
  • iHeart Radio
  • Hokonui
  • Radio Wanaka
  • iHeartCountry New Zealand
  • Restaurant Hub
  • NZME Events

SubscribeSign In
Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.
Home / Lifestyle

Deborah Hill Cone: Believe me, it's all lies

By Deborah Hill Cone
NZ Herald·
15 Feb, 2015 04:00 PM6 mins to read

Subscribe to listen

Access to Herald Premium articles require a Premium subscription. Subscribe now to listen.
Already a subscriber?  Sign in here

Listening to articles is free for open-access content—explore other articles or learn more about text-to-speech.
‌
Save

    Share this article

The lies we tell include failing to point out that, actually, making something gluten-free is plenty of trouble. Photo / Getty Images

The lies we tell include failing to point out that, actually, making something gluten-free is plenty of trouble. Photo / Getty Images

Opinion by Deborah Hill ConeLearn more
It can be easy to justify not telling the truth to others but a lot of the time we are even deceiving ourselves.

One thousand lies I have told this week. No sweetie, you don't need to worry about Ebola. My new sparkly YSL boots were on sale. It's no trouble making something gluten-free. Oh, the tooth fairy must have been extra busy last night. Of course I'll meet my deadline. Sorry, I know it's an eyesore but this is the week I will finish painting my fence.

So many lies just tumbling out of my mouth, and not just to gullible kids. We tell politicians we want the gnarly unvarnished truth, yet we lie and we lie and we lie, to others and to ourselves.

I have only recently become aware how thoughts are just thoughts: they only have whatever meaning you give to them. They are not necessarily true. Sometimes they are lies.

Strangers sometimes come up to me and say they have read my columns and they feel they know me. A supermarket checkout operator asked me, with the loveliest bedside manner: "How are you doing now, dear? I read all about your troubles."

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.
Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

It is kindly meant, but it makes me feel like a fraud. Far from being an oversharer, I wonder whether I censor the most important things.

For example, although I live alone with my two kids, I have a partner, who most of the time doesn't seem to mind he never gets a mention in here. Maybe I don't talk about him because it doesn't really enhance my solo-mother-with-kids image, or because something has to be private. And there are other things I don't write because they make me seem like a dick. I'm nervous to tell you I've got terrible sunburn on my right shoulder from driving around with the top down on my new car, a Mercedes convertible.

Doesn't that make me sound like a repulsive "neo-liberal" bourgeois Parnell-dwelling matron? My socialist parents who drove a 1972 Ford Cortina station wagon for 30 years would be horrified. Still, I may be the only Merc driver in Parnell who wears roman sandals. Life is confusing.

The point is, none of us really tell the truth and none of us know who we are, let alone who anyone else is. Yes, even you.

Deborah Hill Cone in the new Mercedes convertible she's embarrassed about mentioning in case she seems like a "dick".
Deborah Hill Cone in the new Mercedes convertible she's embarrassed about mentioning in case she seems like a "dick".

This week I went to the 50th birthday party of someone I had never met. Oh, I went as a friend's plus-one; I wasn't a gatecrasher, even though it would have been tempting since it was at The French Cafe. At the party, I came second in a trivia quiz to ascertain how well you knew the birthday boy - I scored ahead of his wife. See, who really knows anyone?

Guessing is as good a way as any. Every notion I had about anything, turns out to be in doubt.

Discover more

Opinion

Deborah Hill Cone: Bright Young Things

18 Jan 04:00 PM
Opinion

Deborah Hill Cone: Whew, mums needn't be perfect

25 Jan 11:40 PM
Opinion

Deborah Hill Cone: Catton success illuminated nation

01 Feb 08:30 PM
Opinion

Deborah Hill Cone: In toxic times, focus on the trivial

08 Feb 04:00 PM

Here's one: the idea that every bad emotion I have felt is due to some underlying trauma and by working through it I would get to the truth about myself.

Actually, sometimes you just feel bad because you feel bad, and you reverse-engineer the reason why to justify it.

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

What I'm getting at is that we're often poor judges of our own emotions and desires. We tell ourselves things to feel better. We may not know precisely what we're lying to ourselves about, but it's safe to assume that some bit of what we consider "truth" today is likely nothing more than a defence against some deeper meaning which is painful to accept.

What lies do you tell yourself? Here are some: I don't have a choice. (You always have a choice.) If I only had 'X' I'd be happy. (You wouldn't. Our brains are wired for dissatisfaction.) I can change him or her. (You can't.) I'm too old or too young. (You're not.) I don't judge people. (You do.)

The sparkly new boots that weren't on sale at all.
The sparkly new boots that weren't on sale at all.

When you can face up to painful things, it is like a soothing balm to the soul. And that is not a lie. But my sparkly boots were full price.

Stick to what you are good at

If at first you don't succeed, do have another try if you really want to, but otherwise give up and go and find something you're better at.

That is my mantra as the most unsporty human ever. I have been interested in the debate about the Howick Pakuranga Principals' Association introducing a Fair Play Charter to East Auckland Primary Schools.

Coaches are encouraged to intervene if two mismatched teams are playing each other and one is getting wildly thrashed by the other. If there is a huge gap of points, good players from the winning team can be put into the losing team. This sounds like more humiliation to me.

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

My fellow columnist Kerre McIvor made the expected "PC gone mad" point that children need to learn there are winners and losers in life, and sometimes they will lose. In my experience as the mother of young children, life is full of setbacks and failures all on its own; it is unnecessary to manufacture extra pratfalls. And it's not as simple as a Darwinian survival-of-the-fittest attitude would suggest.

At least, not for the "losers", a group with whom I identify. As I can attest, if you never get any positive feedback at something, you will give up rather than carry on being beaten.

Maybe some of the useless kids don't even want to play sport. I was determined that my kids would not be put off doing sports just because of their parents' handicap in that area, but of their own volition they just don't like doing it, possibly because they have little natural ability. I don't think I learned any character-building lessons from being the most useless player in the F netball team at Melville Intermediate.

Nevertheless, a Fair Play charter wouldn't have been any help. I would have hated to have been the muppet who was swapped and had to play on the team with the really good players! I can't think of anything more stressful: and of course they wouldn't have wanted me either.

Life is too short to persevere at something you are no good at. You need to put your energy where your passion is. If that is sport, great; but if it's not, there are lots of other, more interesting things you can do.

Save

    Share this article

Latest from Lifestyle

Entertainment

'Move it or lose it': Adine Wilson and Irene van Dyk on their TV return to the court

12 Jul 09:00 PM
Premium
Lifestyle

Does breathing actually matter for your workout?

12 Jul 07:00 PM
Lifestyle

'Very much welcome': Royals invited to Harry's Invictus Games

12 Jul 04:57 AM

Get your kids involved in your reno

sponsored
Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

Latest from Lifestyle

'Move it or lose it': Adine Wilson and Irene van Dyk on their TV return to the court

'Move it or lose it': Adine Wilson and Irene van Dyk on their TV return to the court

12 Jul 09:00 PM

'It was a shock to the system, but that's part of why I said I wanted to do it.'

Premium
Does breathing actually matter for your workout?

Does breathing actually matter for your workout?

12 Jul 07:00 PM
'Very much welcome': Royals invited to Harry's Invictus Games

'Very much welcome': Royals invited to Harry's Invictus Games

12 Jul 04:57 AM
Judge orders Harry to disclose payments in Daily Mail case

Judge orders Harry to disclose payments in Daily Mail case

12 Jul 03:48 AM
Sponsored: Why heat pumps make winter cheaper
sponsored

Sponsored: Why heat pumps make winter cheaper

NZ Herald
  • About NZ Herald
  • Meet the journalists
  • Newsletters
  • Classifieds
  • Help & support
  • Contact us
  • House rules
  • Privacy Policy
  • Terms of use
  • Competition terms & conditions
  • Our use of AI
Subscriber Services
  • NZ Herald e-editions
  • Daily puzzles & quizzes
  • Manage your digital subscription
  • Manage your print subscription
  • Subscribe to the NZ Herald newspaper
  • Subscribe to Herald Premium
  • Gift a subscription
  • Subscriber FAQs
  • Subscription terms & conditions
  • Promotions and subscriber benefits
NZME Network
  • The New Zealand Herald
  • The Northland Age
  • The Northern Advocate
  • Waikato Herald
  • Bay of Plenty Times
  • Rotorua Daily Post
  • Hawke's Bay Today
  • Whanganui Chronicle
  • Viva
  • NZ Listener
  • Newstalk ZB
  • BusinessDesk
  • OneRoof
  • Driven Car Guide
  • iHeart Radio
  • Restaurant Hub
NZME
  • About NZME
  • NZME careers
  • Advertise with NZME
  • Digital self-service advertising
  • Book your classified ad
  • Photo sales
  • NZME Events
  • © Copyright 2025 NZME Publishing Limited
TOP