Can you judge a character by the coleslaw it keeps? Kim Knight on the (tenuous) links between salads and psyche.
New year, new salad leaf.
Three weeks into 2025 and the back-to-work lunch box overflows with good intentions and balsamic.
Soon, the crisper will smell likecompost and the toasted sandwich machine will ooze collegial cheese but, right now, nothing screams “January” like an office fridge full of lettuce.
Primates eat leaves. Eve’s first meal was in a garden. Min, the Egyptian god of fertility, was frequently depicted with lettuces and an erect phallus. No matter where you sit on the origin story spectrum, you’ll encounter fresh fruit and veg.
But what does your salad bowl say about you?
We consulted scientists, nutritionists and psychologists to determine the links between salads and psyche. Reassuringly, absolutely none of them agreed to be interviewed.
Romaine calm and carrot on! If at first you don’t succeed, interview your keyboard. Can coleslaw indicate strength of character? Is burrata never not a red flag? Should you ever be friends with someone who likes alfalfa sprouts?
Life is a bowl of mixed greens and you never know what you’re going to get - unless you read our completely made-up guide to the hidden traits that favourite salads reveal ...
Coleslaw
A salad that experiences an unresolved psychological trauma is said to be carrying “emotional cabbage”. Guilt, grief, and raw onion weigh heavily and only the strongest constitutions are equipped to digest unfinished business. No burden is too great for the coleslaw lover to bear. Also, they will never, ever judge you for mixing a tin of condensed milk with malt vinegar and powdered mustard and calling it dressing.
Ambrosia
Miniature marshmallows? Canned mandarins or copious berries? This person wants to eat their cake and call it a salad. Don’t trust a word that comes out of their sugar-coated mouth.
This is definitely not a salad.
Prawn
Togs, togs, crochet shirt from Hallensteins. Men, if we can see your nipples and/or back hair, you should not be wearing that shirt to the office. Crocheted clothes, like prawns with a dressing made from tomato sauce and mayonnaise, are best taken to barbecues circa 1979. They may have swapped the chopped iceberg for shredded cos, but the prawn salad lover will never really let go of the past. Our advice to potential partners? Put on your boogie shoes and run.
Seashell pasta and tuna
Ditto, but earns less.
Rocket, pear and parmesan
Somewhere on Ponsonby Rd, a cappuccino is weeping into a cow’s milk latte and they are being consoled by a rocket, pear and parmesan salad. “Don’t worry,” whispers the salad to the coffees that haven’t had a starring role since the 90s. “We can all be Demi (tasse).”
Born in Westport. Lives in Westport. Will, one day, be buried in Westport. Please serve supermarket sausage rolls at the wake.
Wild rice
Cranberries! Pecans! Whole grains! Oh, you crazy kids who are basically eating cereal with a side of greens.
Insalata di burrata
You know that friend who casually invites you for dinner and so you arrive 20 minutes late wearing jeans only to discover a table set for 12 people who are all wearing vintage linen frocks and earrings by contemporary jewellers from Aotearoa? That friend is why every second Auckland restaurant now charges $20-plus for a ball of stringy cheese and a couple of tomatoes.
Simple green salad
Move along. Nothing to see here. Absolutely no reason to ask questions or suggest group-based activities. This is a salad that does not want to draw attention to itself, and neither does the person who consumes it. You’re very sorry but you have to cancel lunch? Smother me in lemon juice and olive oil and call me an ecstatically happy introvert.
Ceviche
Bit of a cold fish, tbh.
DBS
One minute, you’re a bunch of store cupboard staples waiting for the end of the world, the next you’re a viral sensation. The “dense bean salad” does what it says on the tin (like, literally). Its devotees are mostly Tik Tok stars and bunker-dwelling preppers, because four-beaned is forearmed.
Greek
Everybody’s cool aunty. The Greek salad aficionado is salty, messy and the only person to call when you need picking up from the kerb at 3am, no questions asked.
Possibly the most orderly vegetables in Auckland. Cobb salad, from the menu at Josh Emett's restaurant, Gilt. Photo / Babiche Martens
Cobb
Some zag when others zig and those that do neither eat Cobb salad.
Caesar
Milton Teagle “Richard” Simmons (RIP) once said that puberty was graduating from thousand island dressing to Caesar salads. Milton Teagle “Richard” Simmons (RIP) once starred in an Air New Zealand Safety video. Nope, we have absolutely no idea where to go next with this either.
Kim Knight is a journalist with the New Zealand Herald’s premium lifestyle team and holds a master’s degree in gastronomy.
