Julie Andrews in the 1964 film Mary Poppins.
OPINION
No one sacks their nanny these days. I have five children, so obviously no one wants to be my nanny, but in London, even those with one angelic baby struggle to find childcare – there are so few nannies around.
Thus, Carrie Johnson’s decision to get rid of hers after just three days suggests a pretty major problem. She denies Theresa Dawes’s suggestion that she was dismissed for drinking rosé with Boris while she was still in hospital with their third child. Boris, meanwhile, according to Dawes, blamed the decision on Carrie’s hormones, which I’d say is the least likely reason as any good nanny – particularly a maternity nurse, who has been employed to help immediately after the birth – can navigate their boss’ mood swings as easily as changing a nappy.
Whatever the truth, the Johnsons’ nannygate emphasises the delicate nature of the nanny/parent relationship and how badly it can blow up. “It’s an odd story: it’s never fair to blab about your employer, and yet it’s also unfair not to terminate employment correctly,” maintains Alexa Ridley of staffing agency Sortyourhelp.com.
I’d say there were trust issues at stake. Among female celebrities, nannies have something of a bad name: Gwen Stefani’s nanny had an affair with her husband, Gavin Rossdale; Sadie Frost’s got into bed with Jude Law and Jennifer Garner’s with Ben Affleck. Ethan Hawke ended up having a child with his. Yet, as much as Dawes has appeared to imply that Carrie’s decision was motivated by jealousy that her nanny was having cosy drinks with her husband while she was still in hospital, she’d surely know it would be unfair to sack her for a situation instigated by her husband.
Kathryn Lord, a super-nanny who has written several parenting books, maintains that there’s nothing weird per se with having a glass of wine alone with your male boss – particularly if it’s a special occasion such as the birth of a child. “Honestly, I’ve done that lots of times – always with the mum knowing about it,” she says. “I was a holiday nanny for many years and would often stay up and have a drink with the father, even if the mum had gone to bed, but I only did it because we had a bond of trust in place.”
This is where Boris messed up: he should have waited until they knew and trusted Dawes before socialising with her. “You’ve got to keep a professional line; there are too many grey areas as it is,” Ridley says. Dawes messed up, too, though: the nanny/mum relationship is a marriage within a marriage, and yet even before she’d started drinking with her husband, she’d rattled Carrie with salacious gossip. Dawes told the Sunday Mirror, “She said she didn’t like the comments I’d made about her husband, when I’d told her about the other family that didn’t like him.”
Everyone knows staff talk, even the nicest ones: the late Queen’s former nanny, Crawfie, ended up writing a book about her experiences. For Carrie, who is desperately trying to control the image she presents via Instagram, the paranoia must be huge. I’m sure Dawes intended it as friendly banter, but it clearly rang alarm bells with Carrie, who dreaded what might slip out next after this glass of wine.
“I once had a maternity nurse who told me personal information about her previous clients and I told her it made me feel uncomfortable,” Ridley says. “We have strict confidentiality agreements in all our contracts – nannies shouldn’t talk.”
There are ways to sack someone, though. Ridley says she won’t place nannies with some of her former clients as they simply don’t know how to treat them well. “You don’t have to employ someone you don’t like, but I think you know when you meet them whether you’re going to like them or not.”
Given how few families can afford nannies, and therefore how small that world is, Carrie might have tried a bit harder to end on a good note: it’ll be awkward when Dawes ends up on the same school run. And crucially, where was the non-disclosure agreement preventing her from talking to the press? “It’s strange that she didn’t sign one – I have to be so vague about what I do for a living because of the agreements I’ve signed,” Lord says.
Yet Carrie supposedly told Dawes that they “didn’t gel”, which is surely valid. “Really, it’s the only thing that matters when you’re a hiring a nanny,” Lord concedes. “If your ideologies prove to be too different after two or three days, it’s probably never going to work.” I’ve had gel issues in the past: an awkward confrontation with a nanny on day two when I suggested she might take my son to his music class and she told me to stop telling her how to do her job. She handed in her notice that weekend and we didn’t ask her to serve her notice period. “It’s all about likeability – do you actually like each other?” Ridley says.
Yet now, seven or eight nannies later, when I see that nanny wandering around the common pushing someone else’s toddler, I know I wouldn’t have been so quick to write us off as incompatible. I’ve learnt the shakiest mum/nanny relationships can become strong if you’re generous and open-minded. “I often tell myself to let things go, which can be maddening in the moment, but is always best in the scheme of things,” agrees Isabel Moore, a mother of three who has had her nanny for five years. “Three safe, happy, laughing boys is precious. The pans not being washed up for the umpteenth time, however, will not last so long in the memory.”
Lord says that not micromanaging is the key to a happy relationship with a nanny; for Moore, it’s building a two-way relationship. “You can both be generous regularly: allowing them to leave early, helping them with personal issues, giving them days off when it’s inconvenient to you, and knowing that when you call on them, they’ll always go above and beyond.”
Since Covid, nannies have been showing their teeth, according to Ridley, and are less accepting. “They had a raw deal stuck in these houses, having to do everything, and went beyond the call of duty and feel exhausted,” she says. “They find it very annoying having parents working from home and undermining them all the time.”
At our house, I’d go as far as to say that once gel and trust are in place, a nanny can get away with almost anything. Their happiness is the key to happiness in our own marriage. My husband gave one a pay advance to get a tattoo of an enormous skull and snake on her leg; we’ve consoled them about boyfriends and wiped away their tears when they’ve locked themselves out of the house with the toddler alone inside (we now have a key box).
When Vicky Pryce, former wife of Chris Huhne, told me in an interview that when she found her nanny and her boyfriend cuddled up in bed when she needed to leave for a work trip, she handed them the baby and left for the airport, I thought she was crazy.
A decade later, with nannies not exactly queuing, in similar circumstances, I might well do the same.
Warm water in therapeutic pools reduces swelling and eases joint pressure.