I write it off as a close call and scold myself for letting a man I just met know where I live.
"Things could have been so much worse. What if he hadn't taken no for an answer? What if he'd assaulted you?" my friends reprimand me in the weeks that follow.
I hate that I have to think this way, but I know they're right. I know it because I've met far too many women whose encounters with men have ended in this exact nightmare scenario.
Since dating women, this fear has totally disappeared. I can't tell you how many dates I've been on with women who've gotten handsy immediately upon meeting me, and not one of them has set off my internal alarm bells. Partly, yes – because I've since come to terms with the fact I'm gay – but more so, because shattered women's egos don't typically result in violence.
Predatory, fragile men haven't only ruined dating for women, but for other men, too.
I speak to guys all the time who complain how difficult it is to get a woman to even meet them for a date, let alone progress that date to physical intimacy. Women are wary of getting close to men – and for good reason.
A male reader emailed me this week to confess after five dates with the same woman, he hadn't managed to get a kiss. He wondered if perhaps he'd been too much of a "nice guy".
His sentiment isn't uncommon, but it also reflects a lack of understanding about what women are actually attracted to in a potential partner, and a tendency to conflate being a so-called "nice guy" with being a pushover.
Men often insist women really want "alpha" guys who embody the same toxic masculinity feminism is working to dismantle. They'll say things like, "I'm a good guy and I never get anywhere with women. Nice guys finish last!"
This theory is problematic for a number of reasons; not the least being it relies on the flawed premise "nice guys" are owed sex. It's also inaccurate because it treats being "nice" as a kind of limp submissiveness, when it's wholly possible to both recognise a woman's humanity and be assertive – the two aren't mutually exclusive.
I'm always sexually forward on dates with women, but I'm never disrespectful of their boundaries. If anything, I'm extra cognisant of them, because I know what it feels like to have mine violated. And this has never prevented me from having sex with a woman I'm interested in.
The difference is, I don't feel owed sex, so I don't spring it on a woman at the end of the night like I'm claiming payment for services rendered.
The frustrated reader who emailed this week confessed he hadn't established any touch at all with his date. He'd taken her for dinner, which meant they'd sat on opposite ends of a table all night, then he'd found it awkward to find a natural opportunity to kiss her, so simply wished her goodnight. This scenario repeated itself for another four dates.
His problem wasn't being "too nice"; it was simply that he'd missed the opportunity to establish physical intimacy with her out of fear of coming across predatory or overly sexual.
And this is where a lot of guys get confused. Because physical touch on a date isn't disrespectful or threatening to a woman if it follows a logical process of escalation in line with her body language. In fact, research proves women are way more interested in sex than most men estimate we are.
Where men tend to go wrong, is missing the window to establish subtle touch early on in a date with a woman, then attempting to interject overt sexual contact at the end of the night when they've received no indication she's conducive to it.
While a woman will probably feel violated by this approach, she's unlikely to take issue with sitting close enough at the bar (incidentally, a far better first date option than dinner) so her knees are touching his, or the odd tap on the forearm while he's laughing at a joke.
If she's uncomfortable with that, she'll make it clear by adjusting her position to recreate space between them. And if she's reciprocating his touch throughout the evening, then kissing – and perhaps sex – become a natural extension of the intimacy that's already been exchanged over the course of the date.
It's a fallacy women aren't as interested in sexual intimacy as guys – most of us have just had enough terrifying experiences with men to be wary of them.
However, this needn't mean the absence of physical contact within the setting of a date. Rather, it calls for an approach that recognises a woman's legitimate need to feel safe, and not have to worry about how she's going to brush off an unwanted hand beneath her skirt from a guy she's just met.
Most men don't want to hear this, because it's an uncomfortable truth; but women really do like nice guys.
You're probably just not as nice of a guy as you think you are.
